I just wanted to point out how pathetic I am. Based on the advice I got from a friend and mentor of mine, I started to make a list of those traits I am looking for in a mate. I want to be careful not to make this criteria to put on a check list, but to give me a sense of the type of person I really want to spend the rest of my life with, and therefore the type of person I should consider dating.
The first item on my list is love. Ephesians 5:25 commands "Husbands, love your wives..." I want to date and marry someone who is truly attracted to me - crazy about me - more so than I am about him.
So why is it that I am still crushing on a guy who hasn't shown me the slightest interest?
Pathetic.
Monday, November 10, 2008
Monday, November 3, 2008
Pick a Little, Talk a Little (The Music Man)
I wish I was a nicer person. The kind who thinks of others before herself. Who is genuinely more concerned with listening to them than with answering reciprocally.
Saturday, November 1, 2008
The Monster Mash (Bobby "Boris" Pickett and the Crypt Kickers)
As you all know, yesterday was Halloween. This was the daily verse I received from Zondervan:
One of my girls from Governor's School, Sarah, came into town for the weekend - to experience Halloween on Franklin and for me to show her around and to give her a taste of college life. Lauren and Danielle asked if we'd like to join them in going to the McKee's Corn Maze before we headed to Franklin Street for the festivities.
So we went to The Loop for dinner, in costume of course. Then we drove out to the maze. It wasn't until we'd already agreed to go that Lauren informed us that the maze was haunted. At first, I hesitated to go. I just don't do well with being scared. I don't like the thrill. I just want it to go away. But we decided it would be fun, so off we went.
It was freezing, but we paid our money, stood in line, and finally it was our turn. The maze starts with a tunnel - basically some tarps in tunnel form full of smoke and a strobe light. Lauren had already told us that all we had to do was walk straight ahead to get through it and it wasn't so bad. So that was the plan. But as the woman stepped aside to let us enter, somebody leapt out of the tunnel and scared us all half to death. At that point, I was ready to tell the girls, "Have fun without me!" But there were no refunds, so we had to press on. So we stepped into the tunnel, arm in arm, not able to see a thing for the smoke, and pressed on. Even as we started, I knew that the only way out was to get all the way through the maze - so I began my chorus "Keep walking." I said it over and over and over: "Keep walking. Keep walking. Just keep walking. Keep walking." We were such girls. We screamed at everything. The guys would jump out wearing nasty masks. We'd scream. If we backed off, they'd keep coming towards us. We would have to break the chain in order to get around them - they're press us towards the edge of the corn, but eventually we'd make it past. Sometimes they followed us for awhile, which was pretty creepy too. We tried to keep a watchful eye, hoping we could hear them walk through the corn, but every time they got a reaction. They're good at what they do. Finally, we started to laugh at ourselves, mostly at me as I kept on "Keep walking" and Lauren with her "You scream like a girl" type comments. Eventually, we made it out. Alive. Unharmed. Just a little jittery. But Lauren was right - we felt a great sense of accomplishment having made it all the way through.
Then today I came back and read this verse again, I realized what a great illustration that maze was of battle with the devil.
He's prowling - he's out there, and we know it. He's just waiting to take advantage of us where we least expect it.
We try to stay alert, but he is skilled at navigating our sinful nature. He knows just where to get us at our weaknesses.
He often succeeds in derailing us. Just like we had to step around the guys who stood in the path, we end up off course and have to step around some sin in order to get back on the right path - the straight and narrow, if you will.
And my mantra, "Just keep walking," reminded me of another verse.
Just keep walking.
"Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings.”I chuckled to myself thinking about the play on devils and prowling in light of the occasion.
-1 Peter 5:8-9
One of my girls from Governor's School, Sarah, came into town for the weekend - to experience Halloween on Franklin and for me to show her around and to give her a taste of college life. Lauren and Danielle asked if we'd like to join them in going to the McKee's Corn Maze before we headed to Franklin Street for the festivities.
So we went to The Loop for dinner, in costume of course. Then we drove out to the maze. It wasn't until we'd already agreed to go that Lauren informed us that the maze was haunted. At first, I hesitated to go. I just don't do well with being scared. I don't like the thrill. I just want it to go away. But we decided it would be fun, so off we went. It was freezing, but we paid our money, stood in line, and finally it was our turn. The maze starts with a tunnel - basically some tarps in tunnel form full of smoke and a strobe light. Lauren had already told us that all we had to do was walk straight ahead to get through it and it wasn't so bad. So that was the plan. But as the woman stepped aside to let us enter, somebody leapt out of the tunnel and scared us all half to death. At that point, I was ready to tell the girls, "Have fun without me!" But there were no refunds, so we had to press on. So we stepped into the tunnel, arm in arm, not able to see a thing for the smoke, and pressed on. Even as we started, I knew that the only way out was to get all the way through the maze - so I began my chorus "Keep walking." I said it over and over and over: "Keep walking. Keep walking. Just keep walking. Keep walking." We were such girls. We screamed at everything. The guys would jump out wearing nasty masks. We'd scream. If we backed off, they'd keep coming towards us. We would have to break the chain in order to get around them - they're press us towards the edge of the corn, but eventually we'd make it past. Sometimes they followed us for awhile, which was pretty creepy too. We tried to keep a watchful eye, hoping we could hear them walk through the corn, but every time they got a reaction. They're good at what they do. Finally, we started to laugh at ourselves, mostly at me as I kept on "Keep walking" and Lauren with her "You scream like a girl" type comments. Eventually, we made it out. Alive. Unharmed. Just a little jittery. But Lauren was right - we felt a great sense of accomplishment having made it all the way through.
Then today I came back and read this verse again, I realized what a great illustration that maze was of battle with the devil.
He's prowling - he's out there, and we know it. He's just waiting to take advantage of us where we least expect it.
We try to stay alert, but he is skilled at navigating our sinful nature. He knows just where to get us at our weaknesses.
He often succeeds in derailing us. Just like we had to step around the guys who stood in the path, we end up off course and have to step around some sin in order to get back on the right path - the straight and narrow, if you will.
And my mantra, "Just keep walking," reminded me of another verse.
"I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."God calls us to just keep walking. Whenever sin becomes a deterrent, we SHOULD scream - scream with frustration at our own sinfulness. But then we should remember the cross. We should remember that at the end of it all, there is peace, and we will not only emerge unscathed, but we will be restored to a state of righteousness and eternal fellowship with God, Son and Holy Spirit.
-Philippians 3:14
Just keep walking.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
I'm Not that Girl (Wicked)
Psalm 73
I spent most of high school believing that I knew what was up. That all my friends who partied, got drunk, had sex, etc, were just setting themselves up for failure and misery. My theological training told me that those things couldn't bring happiness.
But a lasting relationship. Finding the right boy. My Prince Charming, be he named Phillip or Eric or whatever else... My life was gonna be different from all of theirs.
And it was.
I didn't really have any friends my own age. People that I talked to at school, sure. People who I hung out with and "made memories" with. But it's funny...I don't remember most of those. But now, compared to the friends I have at UNC, I know that I just didn't have any friends in high school.
So now a friend from high school is getting married. Not the first from my graduating class, but she's engaged the nevertheless. And I realize that she got her stuff together. She really made some changes when she came to college and has found joy in a life blessed by God, not muddled by the "hip lifestyle" (which is not at all a "cool" term for today, but it's what I'm going to use). And it's worked out for her. She got her Prince Charming.
And so I'm thrown yet again into the "woe is me, the single chick." It's like AJ said freshman year, "Everybody wants to be my friend, I'm the funny guy. But nobody's interested..." That's how I feel.
I finally am truly interested in someone (I started wearing make-up and dressing nicer - presenting myself well, I could say), really feeling prepared to pursue a relationship, if he were only interested...
Why can't I appreciate being everybody's friend? Why is it so dang hard to be content with the blessings God gives us?
Because we're selfish. Because we're prideful. Because we don't seek God's presence, we seek the praise and acclaim of men.
In my current state, I am a brute beast, driven by my fleshly desires for physical and emotional closeness, rather than (what should be) my spiritual desires. [I'm even mood-eating - but thankfully I chose cheese and crackers over cookie dough...a step in the right direction?] I need to pray for verse 28 to be true for me now:
But as for me, it is good to be near God.
I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge;
I will tell of all your deeds.
I spent most of high school believing that I knew what was up. That all my friends who partied, got drunk, had sex, etc, were just setting themselves up for failure and misery. My theological training told me that those things couldn't bring happiness.
But a lasting relationship. Finding the right boy. My Prince Charming, be he named Phillip or Eric or whatever else... My life was gonna be different from all of theirs.
And it was.
I didn't really have any friends my own age. People that I talked to at school, sure. People who I hung out with and "made memories" with. But it's funny...I don't remember most of those. But now, compared to the friends I have at UNC, I know that I just didn't have any friends in high school.
So now a friend from high school is getting married. Not the first from my graduating class, but she's engaged the nevertheless. And I realize that she got her stuff together. She really made some changes when she came to college and has found joy in a life blessed by God, not muddled by the "hip lifestyle" (which is not at all a "cool" term for today, but it's what I'm going to use). And it's worked out for her. She got her Prince Charming.
And so I'm thrown yet again into the "woe is me, the single chick." It's like AJ said freshman year, "Everybody wants to be my friend, I'm the funny guy. But nobody's interested..." That's how I feel.
I finally am truly interested in someone (I started wearing make-up and dressing nicer - presenting myself well, I could say), really feeling prepared to pursue a relationship, if he were only interested...
Why can't I appreciate being everybody's friend? Why is it so dang hard to be content with the blessings God gives us?
Because we're selfish. Because we're prideful. Because we don't seek God's presence, we seek the praise and acclaim of men.
In my current state, I am a brute beast, driven by my fleshly desires for physical and emotional closeness, rather than (what should be) my spiritual desires. [I'm even mood-eating - but thankfully I chose cheese and crackers over cookie dough...a step in the right direction?] I need to pray for verse 28 to be true for me now:
But as for me, it is good to be near God.
I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge;
I will tell of all your deeds.
Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him
How I've proved Him o'er and o'er.
Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus,
O for grace to trust Him more.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Flirtin' with Disaster (Molly Hatchet)
I would like to take this opportunity to recount the events of the Marching Tar Heels during this, the week of August 25-30.
On Tuesday evening at 6:00, we gathered for rehearsal. The task at hand was to learn the drill for our halftime show, a show featuring music that can be played in the video games Rock Band and Guitar Hero. The musical selections included Highway Star (Deep Purple), Rock You Like a Hurricane (Scorpions), and Flirtin' with Disaster (Molly Hatchet). This evening set the trend for a very wet week. We rehearsed virtually the entire two hours in the rain - soaking ourselves, our drill charts, our music, and (in some cases), our instruments. At this rehearsal, we not only practiced our show, but we practiced being teammates. We, the Piccolos, in an effort to protect our instruments from the inclement weather, rehearsed the music portion using our voices rather than our piccolos. During this time, we stood in the rain proudly, along with the rest of the band, and sang and marked our hearts out. Our first 2 hours of practice.
Then on Thursday, we gathered again on what promised to be a wet evening, but turned out to be quite lovely. We discovered at this rehearsal that we had ill-learned the drill during our previous "damp" practice. We spent a great deal of time attempting to correct mistakes that, alas, persisted throughout the rest of the week. For a few of the Seniors in the Piccolo Section, this rehearsal was met with great frustration as we attempted to assist our section-mates and even reached out across sections to a few clarinet players, but failed to see any improvement in the quality of the show. Thus the total hours of rehearsal comes to 4.
Friday presented a few problems of its own. Our rehearsal took place earlier in the afternoon, which presented a certain amount of heat we had heretofore avoided. We continued to suffer from problems in the drill of our halftime show, now convinced that people simply weren't putting forth the effort that they could. Finally, as rehearsal drew to a close, we returned to the material we had learned for our Pregame show, hoping to choreograph the event with the Cheerleaders and Dance Team. Alas, this too presented more difficulty than the students could foresee. The proposed landing of several parachuters required a significant adjustment to our Pregame show, and also required an additional 40 minutes of rehearsal. Now thoroughly "moist" with sweat, several members had to transition straight into a performance for the Men's Soccer Carolina Classic. During which, a good time was had by (mostly) all. Rehearsal time now totals 6.5 hours.
Finally, we reach the climax of our story - Game Day. Our day began at 8:30am when we reconvened on the steps of Wilson Library to take pictures of the band in our lovely uniforms. (Hottie wore them band overalls...). Several hours of waiting, taking pictures, and more waiting brought us to our final rehearsal time for the week. We ran a quick dress rehearsal of the day's performances - Tar Heel Town, Pregame, and Halftime. At this point, most of the band was "glistening" profusely, and subsequently dehydrated, and just plain tired of being on their feet. Total rehearsal time at this point was 8.5 hours.
A lunch break filled the time between this rehearsal and our first "performance," which was our warm-up in the Pit. At this time, the first Game Day jitters began to appear for some - mostly in the form of goosepimples as fans joined in singing Victory, Hark the Sound, and even Aye Zigga Zoomba. Our traditional performance schedule (Team Walk Through, Drumline in the Pit, Trumpets and Tubas at Dey, band in front of Wilson, parade down Stadium Drive, and Pep Band performances at various locations, we reached the final stage of this performance - Kenan Stadium and Game Time!
After an exhilarating Pregame performance, the band took their place in the stands to cheer our Tar Heels on to Victory. But the game would not proceed as planned. With 12 minutes left in the second quarter, the game was "temporarily suspended" for weather. Everyone was asked to evacuate the stadium and bide their time in the concourse. The band proceeded out of the stadium with the rest of the bewildered fans. And there, in the concourse, they waited. The band waited for 1 hour and 48 minutes. What did the band do during that time? It will not leave the concourse...
Please note that play resumed at 8:40, 12 hours after the Marching Tar Heels had gathered on the steps of Wilson for their photo shoot.
Finally, an exasperated band took their places once again in the stands, still prepared to cheer their team on to Victory. However, their team was not prepared to lead the Tar Heels to Victory. A great deal of football jargon should ensure here, relating how the Tar Heels failed to play football correctly while McNeese appeared to execute with precision and accuracy. Thankfully for the band, our football team turned things around. The Tar Heels regained their bearings and won the game 35-27.
Finally, the band concluded our day with a Carolina Victory. The official end time of the game escapes me, but it was somewhere between 10 and 11, bringing the total number of hours spent in band-related activities for the week to 23!!!!
I love band.
On Tuesday evening at 6:00, we gathered for rehearsal. The task at hand was to learn the drill for our halftime show, a show featuring music that can be played in the video games Rock Band and Guitar Hero. The musical selections included Highway Star (Deep Purple), Rock You Like a Hurricane (Scorpions), and Flirtin' with Disaster (Molly Hatchet). This evening set the trend for a very wet week. We rehearsed virtually the entire two hours in the rain - soaking ourselves, our drill charts, our music, and (in some cases), our instruments. At this rehearsal, we not only practiced our show, but we practiced being teammates. We, the Piccolos, in an effort to protect our instruments from the inclement weather, rehearsed the music portion using our voices rather than our piccolos. During this time, we stood in the rain proudly, along with the rest of the band, and sang and marked our hearts out. Our first 2 hours of practice.
Then on Thursday, we gathered again on what promised to be a wet evening, but turned out to be quite lovely. We discovered at this rehearsal that we had ill-learned the drill during our previous "damp" practice. We spent a great deal of time attempting to correct mistakes that, alas, persisted throughout the rest of the week. For a few of the Seniors in the Piccolo Section, this rehearsal was met with great frustration as we attempted to assist our section-mates and even reached out across sections to a few clarinet players, but failed to see any improvement in the quality of the show. Thus the total hours of rehearsal comes to 4.
Friday presented a few problems of its own. Our rehearsal took place earlier in the afternoon, which presented a certain amount of heat we had heretofore avoided. We continued to suffer from problems in the drill of our halftime show, now convinced that people simply weren't putting forth the effort that they could. Finally, as rehearsal drew to a close, we returned to the material we had learned for our Pregame show, hoping to choreograph the event with the Cheerleaders and Dance Team. Alas, this too presented more difficulty than the students could foresee. The proposed landing of several parachuters required a significant adjustment to our Pregame show, and also required an additional 40 minutes of rehearsal. Now thoroughly "moist" with sweat, several members had to transition straight into a performance for the Men's Soccer Carolina Classic. During which, a good time was had by (mostly) all. Rehearsal time now totals 6.5 hours.
Finally, we reach the climax of our story - Game Day. Our day began at 8:30am when we reconvened on the steps of Wilson Library to take pictures of the band in our lovely uniforms. (Hottie wore them band overalls...). Several hours of waiting, taking pictures, and more waiting brought us to our final rehearsal time for the week. We ran a quick dress rehearsal of the day's performances - Tar Heel Town, Pregame, and Halftime. At this point, most of the band was "glistening" profusely, and subsequently dehydrated, and just plain tired of being on their feet. Total rehearsal time at this point was 8.5 hours.
A lunch break filled the time between this rehearsal and our first "performance," which was our warm-up in the Pit. At this time, the first Game Day jitters began to appear for some - mostly in the form of goosepimples as fans joined in singing Victory, Hark the Sound, and even Aye Zigga Zoomba. Our traditional performance schedule (Team Walk Through, Drumline in the Pit, Trumpets and Tubas at Dey, band in front of Wilson, parade down Stadium Drive, and Pep Band performances at various locations, we reached the final stage of this performance - Kenan Stadium and Game Time!
After an exhilarating Pregame performance, the band took their place in the stands to cheer our Tar Heels on to Victory. But the game would not proceed as planned. With 12 minutes left in the second quarter, the game was "temporarily suspended" for weather. Everyone was asked to evacuate the stadium and bide their time in the concourse. The band proceeded out of the stadium with the rest of the bewildered fans. And there, in the concourse, they waited. The band waited for 1 hour and 48 minutes. What did the band do during that time? It will not leave the concourse...
Please note that play resumed at 8:40, 12 hours after the Marching Tar Heels had gathered on the steps of Wilson for their photo shoot.
Finally, an exasperated band took their places once again in the stands, still prepared to cheer their team on to Victory. However, their team was not prepared to lead the Tar Heels to Victory. A great deal of football jargon should ensure here, relating how the Tar Heels failed to play football correctly while McNeese appeared to execute with precision and accuracy. Thankfully for the band, our football team turned things around. The Tar Heels regained their bearings and won the game 35-27.
Finally, the band concluded our day with a Carolina Victory. The official end time of the game escapes me, but it was somewhere between 10 and 11, bringing the total number of hours spent in band-related activities for the week to 23!!!!
I love band.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
The Cupid Shuffle (Cupid)
So the Cupid Shuffle came on my iPod just a little while ago. I got up and started dancing, and one of my roomies danced with me. Then I was just sitting here thinking how nice it is that I've had some time to grow up since I started college. And by "grow up" I mean "realize what it means to have a good time and get over myself."
I like who I've become over the last several years. I like that I'm willing to get in front of a group and make a fool of myself. (See this video...)
And I'm wondering if I would have become the same person if I had been dating someone all along. I think I can see how it was good for God to give me time to be comfortable in my own skin (which I'm still working on, granted). I will do a much better job in a relationship now that I have sort of figured out who I am, how I work, and can find joy in the fact that God created ME!
That being said, it doesn't mean that I'm totally ready for a relationship. Just that I'm grateful God has been at work in me - I can see it in myself, which is exciting :)
Now walk it by yourself.....walk it by yourself.
I like who I've become over the last several years. I like that I'm willing to get in front of a group and make a fool of myself. (See this video...)
And I'm wondering if I would have become the same person if I had been dating someone all along. I think I can see how it was good for God to give me time to be comfortable in my own skin (which I'm still working on, granted). I will do a much better job in a relationship now that I have sort of figured out who I am, how I work, and can find joy in the fact that God created ME!
That being said, it doesn't mean that I'm totally ready for a relationship. Just that I'm grateful God has been at work in me - I can see it in myself, which is exciting :)
Now walk it by yourself.....walk it by yourself.
Friday, August 8, 2008
Wanting Memories (Keali'i Reichel)
I'm in trouble right now, because it's 4-something in the morning, and I think I'm supposed to be getting up to go shopping in the morning.....but I have to get this down while my mind still has the dots connected.
Normally I would've rather stuck a piece of tape on myself than use the same song for a blog title twice, but it just so happens that the song "Wanting Memories" is what I want to write about. So I find it more appropriate to keep the title. And as I think about tape again, I have changed my mind and decided that this is far more painless, and less disgusting :-P
I looked up the lyrics to this song for the first time tonight. And there's one verse that's kind of bringing together something that has been on my mind for awhile now. Like years.
So the basic premise of my train of thought goes back to when I was a middle schooler. I had these devotionals called YouthWalk. We did them as a youth group for awhile. Then I started doing them on my own when our youth group made a transition. I just remember absolutely LOVING those devotionals. I literally could not wait to go to bed just because I knew it would be time to read that little snippet and spend some time with God. I was filled with pure joy at the thought. It "made me feel so wonderful," if you will.
I think my biggest struggle as a Christian is making it a priority to spend time with God. And because of that lack of time, I've found myself wading deeper and deeper into sin over the past 8 months. I continue to kick myself because I would love nothing more than to return to the pure joy I felt in those days - the joy of just having a few quiet moments to myself to share with the one who had all the answers to my boy problems, my school problems, my family problems, and my "me" problems. Where has that gone?
That's why the Bible tells us that we must have the faith of a child.
I was watching a documentary today about the olympics. The reporter interviewed a member of the Chinese gymnastics team. She competed in 2004, and is hoping to compete again in 2008 (I don't know if she actually is). This gymnast talked about how much harder it is for her to train than her younger teammates. She's just tired. Her body is worn out. And that raw energy and enthusiasm is gone.
I've seen a similar trend in myself since I've grown up in the band. I used to want to go on every trip and play at every event, but now I'm too tired to bother sometimes.
But it's so much more dangerous to become weary in our spiritual journeys. If it's important to maintain our physical health as we get older, how much more so should we strive to maintain our spiritual health? But in a world that is driven by outward appearance, which do we actually devote ourselves too? Honestly, I think more about my weight than I do about my heart. I'm more concerned with what other people think of me than I am with my vertical relationship with God.
At times, I miss the days when Mom and Dad would say, "it doesn't matter how well you play on this concert, just do it for Jesus." But when they DO tell me that these days, it seems juvenile, grates on my nerves, and I slough it off.
I just want to kick myself over again for being so stubborn and not maintaining my spiritual health. For not taking my own advice and going running back to the "memories to teach me." Time with God brings great joy. It's a command, but it's also a gift. We have to be idiots NOT to accept that.
So I'm irritated with myself. And I want more accountability like I had this summer - a friend who would e-mail me and ask me what I was reading. Why don't we do that more often for each other too? It sounded cheesy with Lizabeth offered that to me back in the spring, but when it was organically offered over the summer, I wanted that help and encouragement. And I still want it now.
So if you're reading this, and it makes sense to you, let me know, and let's see what we can do about it together.
From Isaiah 40:
And from Hebrews 12:
Normally I would've rather stuck a piece of tape on myself than use the same song for a blog title twice, but it just so happens that the song "Wanting Memories" is what I want to write about. So I find it more appropriate to keep the title. And as I think about tape again, I have changed my mind and decided that this is far more painless, and less disgusting :-P
I looked up the lyrics to this song for the first time tonight. And there's one verse that's kind of bringing together something that has been on my mind for awhile now. Like years.
I think on the things that made me feel so wonderful when I was young.
I think on the things that made me laugh, made me dance, made me sing.
I think on the things that made me grow into a being full of pride.
I think on these things, for they are true.
I am sitting here wanting memories to teach me
to see the beauty in the world through my own eyes.
So the basic premise of my train of thought goes back to when I was a middle schooler. I had these devotionals called YouthWalk. We did them as a youth group for awhile. Then I started doing them on my own when our youth group made a transition. I just remember absolutely LOVING those devotionals. I literally could not wait to go to bed just because I knew it would be time to read that little snippet and spend some time with God. I was filled with pure joy at the thought. It "made me feel so wonderful," if you will.
I think my biggest struggle as a Christian is making it a priority to spend time with God. And because of that lack of time, I've found myself wading deeper and deeper into sin over the past 8 months. I continue to kick myself because I would love nothing more than to return to the pure joy I felt in those days - the joy of just having a few quiet moments to myself to share with the one who had all the answers to my boy problems, my school problems, my family problems, and my "me" problems. Where has that gone?
That's why the Bible tells us that we must have the faith of a child.
I was watching a documentary today about the olympics. The reporter interviewed a member of the Chinese gymnastics team. She competed in 2004, and is hoping to compete again in 2008 (I don't know if she actually is). This gymnast talked about how much harder it is for her to train than her younger teammates. She's just tired. Her body is worn out. And that raw energy and enthusiasm is gone.
I've seen a similar trend in myself since I've grown up in the band. I used to want to go on every trip and play at every event, but now I'm too tired to bother sometimes.
But it's so much more dangerous to become weary in our spiritual journeys. If it's important to maintain our physical health as we get older, how much more so should we strive to maintain our spiritual health? But in a world that is driven by outward appearance, which do we actually devote ourselves too? Honestly, I think more about my weight than I do about my heart. I'm more concerned with what other people think of me than I am with my vertical relationship with God.
At times, I miss the days when Mom and Dad would say, "it doesn't matter how well you play on this concert, just do it for Jesus." But when they DO tell me that these days, it seems juvenile, grates on my nerves, and I slough it off.
I just want to kick myself over again for being so stubborn and not maintaining my spiritual health. For not taking my own advice and going running back to the "memories to teach me." Time with God brings great joy. It's a command, but it's also a gift. We have to be idiots NOT to accept that.
So I'm irritated with myself. And I want more accountability like I had this summer - a friend who would e-mail me and ask me what I was reading. Why don't we do that more often for each other too? It sounded cheesy with Lizabeth offered that to me back in the spring, but when it was organically offered over the summer, I wanted that help and encouragement. And I still want it now.
So if you're reading this, and it makes sense to you, let me know, and let's see what we can do about it together.
From Isaiah 40:
28 Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.29 He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;31 but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
And from Hebrews 12:
1Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. 2Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.
4In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. 5And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons:
"My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline,
and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,
6because the Lord disciplines those he loves,
and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son."
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Wanting Memories (Keali'i Reichel)
The song "Wanting Memories" was sung by the treble chorus with some of the male students at GSW at their last concert, and again at the closing convocation. It had all the students in tears then, and it put me into tears later. It took me awhile to process leaving on that Saturday, but I finally broke down. It's profound to think that you can become so attached to a place after such a (relatively) short time. And the people. Well....I went from 32 high school chicas in a building to me in my house with the cat. You can do the math. And for every living being that I lost, that's how much energy drained out of me.
I was just looking over my blog and remembering the crazy dream I had where I cussed people out telling them to get out of the dorm. I had another similar dream last night. There were guys in the basement of my dorm - they weren't supposed to be there. I kindly overlooked that Honor Code violation for the 30+ guys, but they wouldn't get out! I was just gonna let them go if they'd only get home for curfew, but they just SAT THERE! I was livid. I screamed over and over again at the top of my lungs. I woke up very angry for the second time in as many weeks. What is it about this job that stressed me out so much that I'm STILL having nightmares? Well, if you've ever done it, and done it well, you might be able to answer that. Nevertheless, I'm still on the warpath - prepared to kick people out of places and confiscate phones whenever necessary.
In the meantime, I'm playing mother to my kid brother trying to get him to pack, clean and go to bed in time to get to work by 6:00. I don't know what I'm gonna feed him for lunch, but that's the deal-io.
I'm nervous about the coming school year, about RUF plans, about integrating the new piccolos well, and about balancing class with all my other responsibilities.
But for the next week and a half, it's all family all the time. I'm looking forward to that at least. :)
I was just looking over my blog and remembering the crazy dream I had where I cussed people out telling them to get out of the dorm. I had another similar dream last night. There were guys in the basement of my dorm - they weren't supposed to be there. I kindly overlooked that Honor Code violation for the 30+ guys, but they wouldn't get out! I was just gonna let them go if they'd only get home for curfew, but they just SAT THERE! I was livid. I screamed over and over again at the top of my lungs. I woke up very angry for the second time in as many weeks. What is it about this job that stressed me out so much that I'm STILL having nightmares? Well, if you've ever done it, and done it well, you might be able to answer that. Nevertheless, I'm still on the warpath - prepared to kick people out of places and confiscate phones whenever necessary.
In the meantime, I'm playing mother to my kid brother trying to get him to pack, clean and go to bed in time to get to work by 6:00. I don't know what I'm gonna feed him for lunch, but that's the deal-io.
I'm nervous about the coming school year, about RUF plans, about integrating the new piccolos well, and about balancing class with all my other responsibilities.
But for the next week and a half, it's all family all the time. I'm looking forward to that at least. :)
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Who Are You? (The Who)
I really have songs from On the Town stuck in my head, but they don't make for a very good post title. Especially since they're completely unrelated. But they're catchy. It's a thoroughly cheesy musical, but that's why I love it. Ask to watch sometime if you love me too.
I chose this blog title because it is a Governor's School-type question, and that is what this blog is about - questions.
Okay, so what I was really thinking about is Area III. Have I explained all this yet? (I just glanced back through my blog and realized I haven't written any of this. So here goes...) So the classes that I'm actually working with this summer are Area III, which is not a class that anyone has heard of unless they have some connection with the NC Governor's School (or perhaps some other GS). Basically, this class seeks to make connections between the concepts students are learning in their subject areas and apply them to personal experience. It's been described as a group counseling class. It's characterized as being a bit touchy-feely. It's probably most like to make a student cry. My Area III experience at GS was profound. I spent a really long time listening to people argue issues that obviously related to faith. And I disagreed with a lot of them. But my instructor tabled the faith aspect of the conversation until one special day. The topic was faith. I had my parents praying for me, my Bible in tow, and I took off for class. There were two other kids in the class who showed up with their Bibles, and we all sat in a row. My instructor came in and told us that it was a little intimidating to see us all with the Bibles on our desks. We started with some ground rules for the conversation. One kid expressed the desire that the conversation wouldn't get too heated. I told him that I had to take this conversation seriously, that my faith determines the way I live my life - it's not to be taken lightly. So he got up and walked out. (We had a standing rule that you could leave if you were uncomfortable in a conversation.) I was a little embarrassed, but better that he walk out than be frustrated all class, because I wasn't going to take the conversation lightly.
Bracing myself for the debate of my life, my instructor told us what we'd be doing. We basically did a round robin - we took turns going around the circle expressing what faith is to us. What we believe, what it entails, and how it plays a part in our lives.
I was a little frustrated by this. I wanted my turn in the spot light to be longer than 3 minutes. I wanted people to realize that I had the Truth. I wanted to convert! But I had to sit there and listen to other people's beliefs.
In hindsight, this was a profound experience. I realized that I needed to hear where other people were coming from. There are times when everyone needs to have a say. I really needed that class, for reasons I didn't come to realize until years later.
This brings me to today. I'm actually teaching some of these classes now. I'm trying to put into practice some of the things I learned when I was a student. And I'm still learning now that I'm observing all these classes. (That's what I do when I don't teach - I just go sit in on other classes.)
I've gotten to the point where I think I'd like to come back and teach Area III. When I graduate and get through grad school to the point where my schedule allows, then I'd like to come back as an instructor. I think I should be able to swing that. I hope so, anyway.
And as I thought about how much Area III has meant to me this summer, I realized that it's challenging me to do something I have struggled with all my life: ask questions. The most challenging part of leading a class, for me, is the debrief. What questions do you ask that guide students to a meaningful application of an activity? How do you phrase things in such a way that the answer is not obvious, that the questions are not leading, and so that it fosters student discussion? I'm practicing asking questions. And it's freakin' hard! I have NEVER been good at asking questions. I think this is something that I've been learning from friends since I got to UNC. And I'm learning it even more this summer. And I look forward to practicing more in the future. Cause I still feel like, unless I've thought through the conversation a good deal, my questions pretty much suck. I really struggle to drive the conversation to that deeper point of thought, unless I've been there before.
But I'm so glad to realize that I'm growing as a person, in one of my most basic weaknesses. How gratifying!
I chose this blog title because it is a Governor's School-type question, and that is what this blog is about - questions.
Okay, so what I was really thinking about is Area III. Have I explained all this yet? (I just glanced back through my blog and realized I haven't written any of this. So here goes...) So the classes that I'm actually working with this summer are Area III, which is not a class that anyone has heard of unless they have some connection with the NC Governor's School (or perhaps some other GS). Basically, this class seeks to make connections between the concepts students are learning in their subject areas and apply them to personal experience. It's been described as a group counseling class. It's characterized as being a bit touchy-feely. It's probably most like to make a student cry. My Area III experience at GS was profound. I spent a really long time listening to people argue issues that obviously related to faith. And I disagreed with a lot of them. But my instructor tabled the faith aspect of the conversation until one special day. The topic was faith. I had my parents praying for me, my Bible in tow, and I took off for class. There were two other kids in the class who showed up with their Bibles, and we all sat in a row. My instructor came in and told us that it was a little intimidating to see us all with the Bibles on our desks. We started with some ground rules for the conversation. One kid expressed the desire that the conversation wouldn't get too heated. I told him that I had to take this conversation seriously, that my faith determines the way I live my life - it's not to be taken lightly. So he got up and walked out. (We had a standing rule that you could leave if you were uncomfortable in a conversation.) I was a little embarrassed, but better that he walk out than be frustrated all class, because I wasn't going to take the conversation lightly.
Bracing myself for the debate of my life, my instructor told us what we'd be doing. We basically did a round robin - we took turns going around the circle expressing what faith is to us. What we believe, what it entails, and how it plays a part in our lives.
I was a little frustrated by this. I wanted my turn in the spot light to be longer than 3 minutes. I wanted people to realize that I had the Truth. I wanted to convert! But I had to sit there and listen to other people's beliefs.
In hindsight, this was a profound experience. I realized that I needed to hear where other people were coming from. There are times when everyone needs to have a say. I really needed that class, for reasons I didn't come to realize until years later.
This brings me to today. I'm actually teaching some of these classes now. I'm trying to put into practice some of the things I learned when I was a student. And I'm still learning now that I'm observing all these classes. (That's what I do when I don't teach - I just go sit in on other classes.)
I've gotten to the point where I think I'd like to come back and teach Area III. When I graduate and get through grad school to the point where my schedule allows, then I'd like to come back as an instructor. I think I should be able to swing that. I hope so, anyway.
And as I thought about how much Area III has meant to me this summer, I realized that it's challenging me to do something I have struggled with all my life: ask questions. The most challenging part of leading a class, for me, is the debrief. What questions do you ask that guide students to a meaningful application of an activity? How do you phrase things in such a way that the answer is not obvious, that the questions are not leading, and so that it fosters student discussion? I'm practicing asking questions. And it's freakin' hard! I have NEVER been good at asking questions. I think this is something that I've been learning from friends since I got to UNC. And I'm learning it even more this summer. And I look forward to practicing more in the future. Cause I still feel like, unless I've thought through the conversation a good deal, my questions pretty much suck. I really struggle to drive the conversation to that deeper point of thought, unless I've been there before.
But I'm so glad to realize that I'm growing as a person, in one of my most basic weaknesses. How gratifying!
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Pink Elephants (Dumbo)
Okay, so "Pink Elephants on Parade" is the only nightmare-ish song I could think of on short notice. I wanna get this down while I still remember it.
I dreamed last night (I got on a boat to heaven......no) that the girls on my hall went WILD.
So in real life, it was past 12:30. I didn't feel like getting up and going to all the rooms and checking to make sure everyone was in their respective room and heading to bed. So at 12:50, I simply told the girls who were sitting on the hall talking, claiming that they weren't tired, that they could stay up quietly. That I didn't care.
Then in my dream, I got up in the middle of the night to loud music, walked out onto the hall and it was a MESS. There was beer, music, boys, people I didn't recognize, even parents. All these people who didn't belong on the hall were in the dorm! So I went through room by room trying to get them out. I just screamed the whole time. "WHAT THE F*** ARE YOU DOING HERE?! YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE!!! GET THE F*** OUT!" I don't know why, but I felt it necessary to convey just how mad I was by using the f-bomb, repeatedly.
But that was ineffective - there were too many of them! So I called for back up. I called the campus public safety, but they were nowhere to be found! I couldn't believe it, but the public safety folks weren't answering their phones! So I was left to my own devices. I just gathered everyone downstairs (which became I building I didn't recognize) and told them all to "get the f*** out." Most of them didn't listen.
But this process must have taken hours, because that's about when I woke up.
So I don't know if this was just me being stressed out, or the melatonin (which I read can cause nightmares). But I didn't take any melatonin last night because I wanted to be a little awake in case someone called me to take them to the hospital. (It was my night on duty.)
So that's it. I've never cussed so much in my life as I did in that dream.
Weird....
I dreamed last night (I got on a boat to heaven......no) that the girls on my hall went WILD.
So in real life, it was past 12:30. I didn't feel like getting up and going to all the rooms and checking to make sure everyone was in their respective room and heading to bed. So at 12:50, I simply told the girls who were sitting on the hall talking, claiming that they weren't tired, that they could stay up quietly. That I didn't care.
Then in my dream, I got up in the middle of the night to loud music, walked out onto the hall and it was a MESS. There was beer, music, boys, people I didn't recognize, even parents. All these people who didn't belong on the hall were in the dorm! So I went through room by room trying to get them out. I just screamed the whole time. "WHAT THE F*** ARE YOU DOING HERE?! YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE!!! GET THE F*** OUT!" I don't know why, but I felt it necessary to convey just how mad I was by using the f-bomb, repeatedly.
But that was ineffective - there were too many of them! So I called for back up. I called the campus public safety, but they were nowhere to be found! I couldn't believe it, but the public safety folks weren't answering their phones! So I was left to my own devices. I just gathered everyone downstairs (which became I building I didn't recognize) and told them all to "get the f*** out." Most of them didn't listen.
But this process must have taken hours, because that's about when I woke up.
So I don't know if this was just me being stressed out, or the melatonin (which I read can cause nightmares). But I didn't take any melatonin last night because I wanted to be a little awake in case someone called me to take them to the hospital. (It was my night on duty.)
So that's it. I've never cussed so much in my life as I did in that dream.
Weird....
Friday, July 11, 2008
Love is Only Love (Hello Dolly)
So have I mentioned that this is my new favorite love song? It's completely contrary to all the sappy and sentimental crap that the entertainment media feeds us about falling in love. Just take a look at these lyrics.
I think love is hard. I think loving your family, your friends, and (I expect) your spouse is the hardest thing to do in the world. Cause what does that really look like? There's no magic formula, there's no DIY book that'll teach everyone how to love everyone else perfectly. We have the Bible, but the instructions found in that book are in a constant battle with our own sinful nature (unfortunately).
Okay, this is not actually the purpose of my post.
I've been obsessing about a boy. It's kind of pathetic, but it's true. For the past 8 months or so, I have thought considerably about one particular man God has brought into my life. Unfortunately, there's no indication that he spends a reciprocal amount of time thinking about me. But let me explain the immediacy of this post.
Brad and I talked considerably on our trips home and back from our Governor's School break. One of the topics we covered is relationship, and intimacy within relationships that can be feigned via the internet. The level of technology today allows us to keep in touch with each other - to have communication at a moment's notice. It also gives us an out. It allows us to get to know each other without having to have a conversation. You can read somebody's blog (as you're reading mine now) and know their thoughts and feelings without actually expressing your interest to them (interest/investment/some level of attention given to them - it's not perceived by the one who is receiving the attention - right?). So by reading someone's online posts, I've gotten to know them in a way that our conversations have not allowed. Not because we never talk, but because there's additional information available online. Brad had a similar experience - knowing someone "intimately" without actually spending the face time with them.
This leads to some complications. Because the feelings that I had have been indulged as I spend time thinking about and getting to know this person, but like I said, there's no return on the investment as of yet.
That said, can I just tell you what a great guy he is? There's a TAC here at GS that my girls wanted me to get together with (awkward sentence ending in a preposition...). He's a nice guy, don't get me wrong. And I wondered before I got here if "Summer Lovin'" could be a reality. But the more time I spend with him, the more I know that I just want to be his friend.
Because there's this other person in the back of my mind. I think it's a bit unhealthy, but I can map out aspects of our life together. (Yeah, definitely unhealthy.) I want to do my year of MAT, teach my 4 years for TF, then stop working and have a family. I want to have kids, but also adopt them (if financially possible). I want to do short term missions work during the summers. And I want our family vacations to consist of camping and historical landmarks rather than roller coasters and beach bungalows. This is a person who believes the same theology, has the same educational experience, and who I can envision wanting the same thing out of a family and a life together.
Of course, this is all speculation and projection.
So I would say that I'm stuck in a rut. I am very interested in this person, but spend little to no "friend" time with them. But I have yet to find anyone else who matches up to his standard. We're talking total respect, admiration, and (as Milton would say) esteem for this guy. I wondered for awhile if that was all I felt for him. But my vision of the two of us as a couple is so perfect that I think it really is a crush.
So while I stalk him on Facebook, I realize that I care for this person and want to develop my relationship with him more. Not because there are fireworks or violins, but because it fits. It just makes sense. Because (not that I love this person right now, but) love is only love.
Just leave ev'rything to meLove is wonderful enough. I really love that line (sorry to be repetitive...). Because that's what it should be - not these complicated stories about how hard it is for two people to be together, or how two people are just meant for each other and they beat all the odds and live is bliss.
Though it wont be like the first time
How can it be like the first time?
But Why does it have to be?
Don't look for shooting stars
For love is only love
You touch and still you touch the proud
Don't listen for those bells
For love is only love
And if it's love you've found
Your heart won't hear a sound
And you hold his hand
You only hold his hand
The violins are all a bluff
But if you're really wise
The silence of his eyes
Will tell you
Love is only love
And it's wonderful enough
Without the shooting star
Without the sounds of bells
Without the violins
Love is wonderful enough!
I think love is hard. I think loving your family, your friends, and (I expect) your spouse is the hardest thing to do in the world. Cause what does that really look like? There's no magic formula, there's no DIY book that'll teach everyone how to love everyone else perfectly. We have the Bible, but the instructions found in that book are in a constant battle with our own sinful nature (unfortunately).
Okay, this is not actually the purpose of my post.
I've been obsessing about a boy. It's kind of pathetic, but it's true. For the past 8 months or so, I have thought considerably about one particular man God has brought into my life. Unfortunately, there's no indication that he spends a reciprocal amount of time thinking about me. But let me explain the immediacy of this post.
Brad and I talked considerably on our trips home and back from our Governor's School break. One of the topics we covered is relationship, and intimacy within relationships that can be feigned via the internet. The level of technology today allows us to keep in touch with each other - to have communication at a moment's notice. It also gives us an out. It allows us to get to know each other without having to have a conversation. You can read somebody's blog (as you're reading mine now) and know their thoughts and feelings without actually expressing your interest to them (interest/investment/some level of attention given to them - it's not perceived by the one who is receiving the attention - right?). So by reading someone's online posts, I've gotten to know them in a way that our conversations have not allowed. Not because we never talk, but because there's additional information available online. Brad had a similar experience - knowing someone "intimately" without actually spending the face time with them.
This leads to some complications. Because the feelings that I had have been indulged as I spend time thinking about and getting to know this person, but like I said, there's no return on the investment as of yet.
That said, can I just tell you what a great guy he is? There's a TAC here at GS that my girls wanted me to get together with (awkward sentence ending in a preposition...). He's a nice guy, don't get me wrong. And I wondered before I got here if "Summer Lovin'" could be a reality. But the more time I spend with him, the more I know that I just want to be his friend.
Because there's this other person in the back of my mind. I think it's a bit unhealthy, but I can map out aspects of our life together. (Yeah, definitely unhealthy.) I want to do my year of MAT, teach my 4 years for TF, then stop working and have a family. I want to have kids, but also adopt them (if financially possible). I want to do short term missions work during the summers. And I want our family vacations to consist of camping and historical landmarks rather than roller coasters and beach bungalows. This is a person who believes the same theology, has the same educational experience, and who I can envision wanting the same thing out of a family and a life together.
Of course, this is all speculation and projection.
So I would say that I'm stuck in a rut. I am very interested in this person, but spend little to no "friend" time with them. But I have yet to find anyone else who matches up to his standard. We're talking total respect, admiration, and (as Milton would say) esteem for this guy. I wondered for awhile if that was all I felt for him. But my vision of the two of us as a couple is so perfect that I think it really is a crush.
So while I stalk him on Facebook, I realize that I care for this person and want to develop my relationship with him more. Not because there are fireworks or violins, but because it fits. It just makes sense. Because (not that I love this person right now, but) love is only love.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Before the Throne of God Above (Charitie Bancroft)
This hymn brought me to tears this morning. I just felt compelled to share it with those folks who actually read this thing...
Before the throne of God above
I have a strong and perfect plea.
A great high Priest whose Name is Love
Who ever lives and pleads for me.
My name is graven on His hands,
My name is written on His heart.
I know that while in Heaven He stands
No tongue can bid me thence depart.When Satan tempts me to despair
And tells me of the guilt within,
Upward I look and see Him there
Who made an end of all my sin.
Because the sinless Savior died
My sinful soul is counted free.
For God the just is satisfied
To look on Him and pardon me.Behold Him there the risen Lamb,
My perfect spotless righteousness,
The great unchangeable I AM,
The King of glory and of grace,
One in Himself I cannot die.
My soul is purchased by His blood,
My life is hid with Christ on high,
With Christ my Savior and my God!
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Aqualung (Jethro Tull)
If you've never heard this song, just take my word for it - it's creepy. Here are some of the lyrics, just to give some indication...
Yeah....and the music makes it even worse. Well, I only chose this song as the title of this blog because I had a bit of a freaky day at work. I wanted a stalker-ish song, and I already used "Every Move You Make" by Sting. Anyway....on to my story!
So I was working today. Sometime in the afternoon, we got a phone call from the boss's husband that there was a woman sort of driving through the parking lot. If you know anything about this parking lot, you know that it's not someplace you go "cruisin'". So we kind of assumed she was up to no good. My co-worker asked for a description of this woman and the boss's husband simply said, "If it's her, you'll know."
A few minutes later, a woman walked through the door, and I knew. Not trying to be prejudiced, but we serve a certain clientèle. She wasn't it. So I remembered all my shoplifter training. She kept asking me about things "Do you have any of ______?" Where I normally would have gone to check for the customer, I just stood there. I felt so dumb, but I think I did the right thing.
While she was in there, I got bits and pieces of the story of this woman. She had been in the month before looking at baby socks, and spent about 2o minutes on the floor in the back corner of the store (where nobody could see her) dealing with baby socks.
Well, sure enough, she came up to the counter with baby socks. Something about one box having 7 pairs when it should have had 6. So we fixed the socks and then I gift wrapped it for her. She then went on to wander through the rest of the store. So the other girl, who was there the other time when the woman came in, and I kept an eye on her. She spent some time in the back of another room of the store, and then purchased something on that side. (For those of you who haven't been, there are lots of rooms, and lots of places to "hide.")
[I'm sorry - I'm being discreet because it's the web and you never know who's reading....those of you who need to know, know.]
So anyway, this woman left, and apparently drove around the parking lot a bit more. We got her license plate number and all that. Then I got the part of the story that said that last time the woman was in, two guys came in after her (again, not part of our clientèle) and were very interested in baby socks. So we all kept our eyes out for men looking for baby socks.
There was a guy who had been hanging around the store earlier, who looked a little suspicious. As I was on the phone with the boss, he walked in, and it was like a zillions butterflies all flew into and wanted to get out of my stomach all at the same time. It was exhilarating, but terrifying.
To top it all off, a thunderstorm started just then. Every time the thunder clapped, my heart jumped. I was so creeped out by this. My boss was giving me lectures about checking for drugs and watching their movements in case we needed to call the cops. They weren't shoplifting - it appeared some transfer was happening.
Anyway, that was my adventure. I guess it might have been more exciting to be there. But I'll be keeping my eyes peeled for the seemingly sneaky workings of these suspicious persons.
Sitting on a park bench --
Eyeing little girls with bad intent.
Snot running down his nose --
Greasy fingers smearing shabby clothes.
Drying in the cold sun --
Watching as the frilly panties run.
Feeling like a dead duck --
Spitting out pieces of his broken luck.
Yeah....and the music makes it even worse. Well, I only chose this song as the title of this blog because I had a bit of a freaky day at work. I wanted a stalker-ish song, and I already used "Every Move You Make" by Sting. Anyway....on to my story!
So I was working today. Sometime in the afternoon, we got a phone call from the boss's husband that there was a woman sort of driving through the parking lot. If you know anything about this parking lot, you know that it's not someplace you go "cruisin'". So we kind of assumed she was up to no good. My co-worker asked for a description of this woman and the boss's husband simply said, "If it's her, you'll know."
A few minutes later, a woman walked through the door, and I knew. Not trying to be prejudiced, but we serve a certain clientèle. She wasn't it. So I remembered all my shoplifter training. She kept asking me about things "Do you have any of ______?" Where I normally would have gone to check for the customer, I just stood there. I felt so dumb, but I think I did the right thing.
While she was in there, I got bits and pieces of the story of this woman. She had been in the month before looking at baby socks, and spent about 2o minutes on the floor in the back corner of the store (where nobody could see her) dealing with baby socks.
Well, sure enough, she came up to the counter with baby socks. Something about one box having 7 pairs when it should have had 6. So we fixed the socks and then I gift wrapped it for her. She then went on to wander through the rest of the store. So the other girl, who was there the other time when the woman came in, and I kept an eye on her. She spent some time in the back of another room of the store, and then purchased something on that side. (For those of you who haven't been, there are lots of rooms, and lots of places to "hide.")
[I'm sorry - I'm being discreet because it's the web and you never know who's reading....those of you who need to know, know.]
So anyway, this woman left, and apparently drove around the parking lot a bit more. We got her license plate number and all that. Then I got the part of the story that said that last time the woman was in, two guys came in after her (again, not part of our clientèle) and were very interested in baby socks. So we all kept our eyes out for men looking for baby socks.
There was a guy who had been hanging around the store earlier, who looked a little suspicious. As I was on the phone with the boss, he walked in, and it was like a zillions butterflies all flew into and wanted to get out of my stomach all at the same time. It was exhilarating, but terrifying.
To top it all off, a thunderstorm started just then. Every time the thunder clapped, my heart jumped. I was so creeped out by this. My boss was giving me lectures about checking for drugs and watching their movements in case we needed to call the cops. They weren't shoplifting - it appeared some transfer was happening.
Anyway, that was my adventure. I guess it might have been more exciting to be there. But I'll be keeping my eyes peeled for the seemingly sneaky workings of these suspicious persons.
Monday, May 5, 2008
We Are Family (Sister Sledge)
I was just sitting here next to the swiper lady at Lenoir. I heard someone ask for 3 meals – it’s that time of year. Time for those people who don’t have a meal plan to come out of hiding and find those who do and who haven’t used all their meals. It’s a glorious time of community building.
Community.
I remember swiping somebody freshman year at the end of the year when I was said meal-planner-with-extras. Some random guy had positioned himself at the swiper station and just asked if anyone had extra meals. So I swiped him up.
I didn’t think twice about it. He was hungry. My meals were gonna go to waste.
I sat here for a minute thinking “I bet you could get a lot of meals that way…just standing down there and asking if someone has extras.”
Then I wondered, what if the guy I swiped wasn’t really a student. He looked like one, so I wasn’t worried. But what f someone just wanted to get swiped up for some sinister purpose. I could’ve shot up the entire Top of Lenoir – and I would feel horribly guilty for letting him up there in the first place.
Now I realize that this scenario is preposterous. Exams haven’t affected my brain functioning that much. But….it’s interesting to think about.
I trusted him implicitly. I had no qualms with giving him a meal. Cause that’s how our community works. We leave our cell phones and keys on the table in Lenoir. We leave our doors unlocked, if not hanging wide open, when we got to the bathroom or leave to check our laundry. We share public spaces and trust that everyone is just going about their business.
That trust has been violated on other campuses. Virginia Tech students also trusted each other implicitly. But that trust was broken when a student shot up a classroom.
That trust was mildly broken when Eve Carson was tragically killed. Girls can’t stop looking over their shoulders now when they’re out at night.
It’s tragic really.
What about my Governor’s School campus? There must be some level of trust amongst the students and staff this summer. I talked with a friend today about the possible health and safety issues I will face. I’ll have to be on the lookout for eating disorders and depression in my girls. Again, your imagination could go wild with tragic scenarios of a depressed A-student run amuck. It doesn’t do any good to dwell on these “what if”s. But some part of my brain needs to be prepared for these possible realities.
I guess I write all this to say how grateful I am that we have such a sense of trust here at UNC. It’s a massive operation they have going at this institution – a huge community. But I still don’t mind leaving my wallet at the table in Lenoir, or swiping up some random person who needs a meal.
And all that from the echo of “Can I get 3” from the swiper station.
I should go study now.
Friday, May 2, 2008
Learn to be Lonely (The Phantom of the Opera)
Learn to Be lonely
Learn how to love life that is lived alone
Learn to be lonely
Life can be lived, life can be loved alone
Loneliness....seems to be on everyone's mind lately. As far as I know, couples are either really making it, like ready to get married (even if it's not official yet) or folks are single. I don't think I know anyone in a new relationship right now. That's not what I sat down to right. I just realized that.
I was talking to a friend yesterday and told her that I don't want to wait until I'm 26 or 27 to get married. She asked why. I had no good reason.
Perhaps the rest of this post will be old news to most of you. I think I've just lived in a girly world for so long that having a boyfriend is a natural thing and obviously something to be desired. So I'm just now processing the "what if that's not right for you right now" issue.
Why do I feel this desperate need to be dating someone right now?
I still have no good reason.
Am I back to that idea that Brad diagnosed as wanting a "default friend"? I think I have those. I have friends that I can call about anything, hang out with whenever, and totally be myself around.
Is it a matter of wanting to show that I care about someone else? Why don't I just do that for my friends now? Why don't I surprise them with little gifts and treats? (Well....I kinda do sometimes.) Why is that not the same in my mind?
And why, throughout this entire conversation with myself, have I not mentioned God? Christ as my bridegroom.
I realized the other day that it upsets me more to think about sinning against other people than it does to think about sinning against God - which is so much more egregious!
I'm sitting her pondering that problem. I'm very upset by that. But I'm not quite sure what to do with it.
Let it simmer....
Sunday, April 27, 2008
La Vie Boheme (Rent)
So I've been thinking for awhile now about how we let the world clutter our thinking and hearts with just crap and filth. It slips in bit by bit until we don't realize how much it contaminates our thinking - permeates our very attitudes and behaviors.
I was listening to the song "La Vie Boheme" from the Rent soundtrack the other day. Whether you like Rent or not, bear with me - I'm making a point that you'll relate to. (I address that mostly to my brothers who are snobs about this musical.)
A friend wondered one time why I liked Rent. It's controversial. It's a little vulgar at times. Well, a lot vulgar at times. But it's so upbeat and fun that it generally disguises that vulgarity. At least, I thought so. I told this friend that I like the movie because it makes me want to love people of "alternative lifestyles." They're fun. They're normal. They deal with issues of life that are scarier than most of the things I face on a daily basis. (Ahem...AIDS)
But I've dealt with some scary instances of sin this past semester. Times when I think, "Wow, I never thought this would be me, the person who deals with ________." It's really challenged me - I need to reexamine my heart. What thoughts, words, deeds have become acceptable, bit by bit, over the course of my life? I used to be the one in class who raised her hand with the TA asked "will it offend you if I cuss?" I used to be the girl to ask people not to talk about sex (no lie....one girl really got on me for it when I was studying abroad). Now I've taught sex ed and so I talk about it much more freely. I say that I'll only talk about it in a certain context, but then I don't contain it.
As I am writing, I'm listening to songs by The Donut Man. Blast from my past - this guy is awesome and sings great Christian kids songs. One is based on Psalm 119:9:
My mind just went this direction all of a sudden.....I used to memorize scripture verses, now I memorize song lyrics. I used to think boys were icky, now I'd love to have one to call my own ;). I used to close my eyes when something icky came on the TV, now I see icky things in movies, on TV, and just in life. I used to close my ears when people said bad words, now they come out of my own mouth.
How did I get from Point A to Point B? Well, I think I stopped memorizing scripture when it stopped counting for points at Vacation Bible School. I honestly don't know when I stopped thinking that boys were icky. I started watching movies with gory action scenes and hot and heavy make out/sex scenes when my parents were gone. I started cursing in 8th grade because it got me some attention ("Bethany said what?!")
And where has it all gotten me? To this place where this sin pervades my life. Where I talk freely about other people, where I confess to my brother that, if I wasn't a Christian, I might be a make out whore, where I'm willing to throw a cuss word here and there because it's in a song or a movie quote.
This isn't where I want to live. It's wrong.
Scripture also says,
I think we have to be much more guarded. It's hard to do. Because even my Christian friends talk about sex and curse in some conversations. And it's so easy to be pulled into things by community.
But it starts with one decision. With one moment of resisting temptation. Then the next becomes easier. And we have to make a concentrated effort to guard our hearts and minds for the sake of Christ, who gave himself up for us, and in order to glorify our Creator, who loves us no matter what we do, but also calls us to be righteous.
And it has to start with a prayer. God, I am too weak to resist the world on my own. As The Donut Man also sings,
I was listening to the song "La Vie Boheme" from the Rent soundtrack the other day. Whether you like Rent or not, bear with me - I'm making a point that you'll relate to. (I address that mostly to my brothers who are snobs about this musical.)
A friend wondered one time why I liked Rent. It's controversial. It's a little vulgar at times. Well, a lot vulgar at times. But it's so upbeat and fun that it generally disguises that vulgarity. At least, I thought so. I told this friend that I like the movie because it makes me want to love people of "alternative lifestyles." They're fun. They're normal. They deal with issues of life that are scarier than most of the things I face on a daily basis. (Ahem...AIDS)
But I've dealt with some scary instances of sin this past semester. Times when I think, "Wow, I never thought this would be me, the person who deals with ________." It's really challenged me - I need to reexamine my heart. What thoughts, words, deeds have become acceptable, bit by bit, over the course of my life? I used to be the one in class who raised her hand with the TA asked "will it offend you if I cuss?" I used to be the girl to ask people not to talk about sex (no lie....one girl really got on me for it when I was studying abroad). Now I've taught sex ed and so I talk about it much more freely. I say that I'll only talk about it in a certain context, but then I don't contain it.
As I am writing, I'm listening to songs by The Donut Man. Blast from my past - this guy is awesome and sings great Christian kids songs. One is based on Psalm 119:9:
How can a young man keep his way pure? By living according to your word.Of course, we could all give that Sunday School answer. But what does it mean to be set apart? What does it mean to live in the world, but not of the world? How can we keep ourselves pure in this world? Where do we draw the line between trying to love on this people who live alternatively, and distinguishing ourselves for the sake of Christ and our witness?
My mind just went this direction all of a sudden.....I used to memorize scripture verses, now I memorize song lyrics. I used to think boys were icky, now I'd love to have one to call my own ;). I used to close my eyes when something icky came on the TV, now I see icky things in movies, on TV, and just in life. I used to close my ears when people said bad words, now they come out of my own mouth.
How did I get from Point A to Point B? Well, I think I stopped memorizing scripture when it stopped counting for points at Vacation Bible School. I honestly don't know when I stopped thinking that boys were icky. I started watching movies with gory action scenes and hot and heavy make out/sex scenes when my parents were gone. I started cursing in 8th grade because it got me some attention ("Bethany said what?!")
And where has it all gotten me? To this place where this sin pervades my life. Where I talk freely about other people, where I confess to my brother that, if I wasn't a Christian, I might be a make out whore, where I'm willing to throw a cuss word here and there because it's in a song or a movie quote.
This isn't where I want to live. It's wrong.
Scripture also says,
Above all else, guard your heart,What do we make of all this?
for it is the wellspring of life.
-Proverbs 4:23
I think we have to be much more guarded. It's hard to do. Because even my Christian friends talk about sex and curse in some conversations. And it's so easy to be pulled into things by community.
But it starts with one decision. With one moment of resisting temptation. Then the next becomes easier. And we have to make a concentrated effort to guard our hearts and minds for the sake of Christ, who gave himself up for us, and in order to glorify our Creator, who loves us no matter what we do, but also calls us to be righteous.
And it has to start with a prayer. God, I am too weak to resist the world on my own. As The Donut Man also sings,
"Submit to God, resist the devil, and he will flee from you." James 4:7
Thursday, April 24, 2008
A Mighty Fortress Is Our God (Martin Luther)
Are y'all aware of what an awesome hymn this is? We sang it at RUF last night and I was so encouraged by its truth. Take a look.
Two lines to make the point (the thesis of this hymn, if you will) - God is a mighty fortress, our helper. Then we introduce the devil. Oh man, he's powerful too - there's no one on earth who can stand up to him.
Well yes, that's true. And if we tried, we would lose. But God gave us an ally. Jesus. "And He MUST win the battle." It's done. Decided. Imperative.
So there are many things in the world that challenge us. But, I love this line - "God hath willed His truth to triumph through us." Wow. We are conduits of God's truth! Huzzuh! This next part still baffles me a little - we tremble not for the devil, cause we know he's gonna lose. So then, who do we tremble for?
I think this gets back to the question of the Fear of the Lord that has been plaguing me this entire semester. What is that?! What does it look like? How does it impact my day to day life?
Okay, back to the song. So Christ abides regardless of what happens on earth - regardless of our existence, needs, desires, etc. And we have this other great gift - the Spirit! Who is also our ally! Oh man.....two great persons of the Trinity given to us in our struggle against the devil. This is fantastic! So, "let goods and kindred go" - this is something I've been thinking about lately. I'm kind of okay with letting "this mortal life" go. I'm going to heaven when I die. I know that, and I rest assured in that every day. Of course, letting goods go is good too because we don't want to be materialists. But kindred?! Let my kindred go?! (Sounds like something out of Moses...) That's my biggest fear - to be left behind on this earth if something were to happen to a member of my immediate family. That terrifies me! I don't want to be left behind. But this song, I think rightly, demands that we set all that aside, all those very good things, for the truth of God! "His kingdom is forever!" These are the things eternal. God's truth. Fearing the Lord. Christ's victory over Satan, sin and death.
Praise Jesus! And go in peace :)
A mighty fortress is our God, a bulwark never failing;
Our helper He, amid the flood of mortal ills prevailing:
For still our ancient foe doth seek to work us woe;
His craft and power are great, and, armed with cruel hate,
On earth is not his equal.Did we in our own strength confide, our striving would be losing;
Were not the right Man on our side, the Man of God’s own choosing:
Dost ask who that may be? Christ Jesus, it is He;
Lord Sabaoth, His Name, from age to age the same,
And He must win the battle.And though this world, with devils filled, should threaten to undo us,
We will not fear, for God hath willed His truth to triumph through us:
The Prince of Darkness grim, we tremble not for him;
His rage we can endure, for lo, his doom is sure,
One little word shall fell him.That word above all earthly powers, no thanks to them, abideth;
The Spirit and the gifts are ours through Him Who with us sideth:
Let goods and kindred go, this mortal life also;
The body they may kill: God’s truth abideth still,
His kingdom is forever.
Well yes, that's true. And if we tried, we would lose. But God gave us an ally. Jesus. "And He MUST win the battle." It's done. Decided. Imperative.
So there are many things in the world that challenge us. But, I love this line - "God hath willed His truth to triumph through us." Wow. We are conduits of God's truth! Huzzuh! This next part still baffles me a little - we tremble not for the devil, cause we know he's gonna lose. So then, who do we tremble for?
I think this gets back to the question of the Fear of the Lord that has been plaguing me this entire semester. What is that?! What does it look like? How does it impact my day to day life?
Okay, back to the song. So Christ abides regardless of what happens on earth - regardless of our existence, needs, desires, etc. And we have this other great gift - the Spirit! Who is also our ally! Oh man.....two great persons of the Trinity given to us in our struggle against the devil. This is fantastic! So, "let goods and kindred go" - this is something I've been thinking about lately. I'm kind of okay with letting "this mortal life" go. I'm going to heaven when I die. I know that, and I rest assured in that every day. Of course, letting goods go is good too because we don't want to be materialists. But kindred?! Let my kindred go?! (Sounds like something out of Moses...) That's my biggest fear - to be left behind on this earth if something were to happen to a member of my immediate family. That terrifies me! I don't want to be left behind. But this song, I think rightly, demands that we set all that aside, all those very good things, for the truth of God! "His kingdom is forever!" These are the things eternal. God's truth. Fearing the Lord. Christ's victory over Satan, sin and death.
Praise Jesus! And go in peace :)
Thursday, March 27, 2008
This Plum is Too Ripe (The Fantasticks)
Take away the painted sunset.
Take away the blue lagoon.
What at night seems oh so scenic
May be cynic much too soon.
I'm in a down sort of mood right now. I can give you a laundry list of reasons, but then I want to leave this post feeling encouraged. We'll see what I can do in that direction.
I have a ton of work to do. 60 pages to read, then write a paper on by tomorrow. My life is scheduled hour by hour so that I do all of the things I have to do during the day. I'm stressed - no doubt. New Testament debate next week and two papers due the week after that. Talk about learning to balance your time and energy. And I just had a discussion with a professor who told me outright that I have to write my papers early and revise them in order to be successful. So I'm feeling the pressure. That's me.
I have one friend who's overseas and feeling very out of sorts. That's not what an abroad experience is about - it's supposed to be the best time of your life! What's the deal?
I have another friend who had crappy things happen with his friends recently. How do you move on from that? Delicately.
I have another friend who's going through an emotional time right now and can't seem to find the encouragement she needs, but also doesn't feel like being around people. How do you move past that?
Other friends are bogged down by work. One friend doesn't quite seem to be himself lately. All of my other friends are figuring out what their summers look like, I'm not.
Why is all this news bad news? Are we all falling apart? Have I just never noticed that people seem so out of it during this time of year? Do we ALL have senioritis and need to go home?
So how can I leave this blog feeling encouraged? Well I must amend my previous statement. It's not by anything that I can say. Christ alone is the source of joy in this dark world. And it is dark. There's something to that apocalypticism that Ehrman believes so firmly. I'm not saying it's totally correct theology, but total depravity is real. And it can depress us if we let it get the better of us, to push Christ out of our field of view (I've been taking astronomy....). And it seems like we all too often lose sight of the whole encouragement thing.
So here it is, straight from the source.
1 Thessalonians 2:16-17
"May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by his grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope, encourage your hearts and strengthen you in every good deed and word."
Christ will lift us up if we will lift our eyes to him. So let us fix our eyes on Jesus.
Saturday, March 22, 2008
Come Ye Sinners (Indelible Grace)
Apathy. Being unmotivated is a curse. It creates problems when you have homework assignments due. It creates problems when you have to think about your future. And it creates problems when you are a Christian trying to live in a secular world. Can anyone relate?
I haven't had a devotional in a few months. I continue to go to church, RUF, small group, talk about Christian things, but when it comes to the day to day, I'm not waking up thinking "Okay God, this day is yours. Give me strength." Which, as I understand it, is what I am supposed to do.
I come back to this question of "What would my life look like if it were governed by a proper 'fear of the Lord?'" What does it really look like to live each day for Jesus?
I have no idea. But it takes an amount of conscience. You have to be aware of living for Jesus. And this is what I don't do. I don't set out to live each moment for Jesus. I don't get excited about Jesus anymore. Talking with one of our RUF newbies, I realized that excitement is still an appropriate response - it's the ONLY appropriate response. God is at work, whether I am or not.
But how do you combat apathy? How do you go about doing something when you don't have any motivation to do something?
There's a song that tells me "All the fitness He requires is to feel your need of Him." But feeling fitness and relying on God's work doesn't exempt me from doing something. I still just don't know how to go about doing it.
I haven't had a devotional in a few months. I continue to go to church, RUF, small group, talk about Christian things, but when it comes to the day to day, I'm not waking up thinking "Okay God, this day is yours. Give me strength." Which, as I understand it, is what I am supposed to do.
I come back to this question of "What would my life look like if it were governed by a proper 'fear of the Lord?'" What does it really look like to live each day for Jesus?
I have no idea. But it takes an amount of conscience. You have to be aware of living for Jesus. And this is what I don't do. I don't set out to live each moment for Jesus. I don't get excited about Jesus anymore. Talking with one of our RUF newbies, I realized that excitement is still an appropriate response - it's the ONLY appropriate response. God is at work, whether I am or not.
But how do you combat apathy? How do you go about doing something when you don't have any motivation to do something?
There's a song that tells me "All the fitness He requires is to feel your need of Him." But feeling fitness and relying on God's work doesn't exempt me from doing something. I still just don't know how to go about doing it.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
It Is Well With My Soul (Horatio Spafford)
I was struck this evening at RUF as we sang this song - it doesn't mean what I've always thought it means.
Does this mean that in everything we should find peace? Be at rest? I always thought this was a hymn of comfort in the sense that everything's going to be okay. A "don't worry - be happy" type philosophy. But I was struck singing it this evening....
Woot.
When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
Does this mean that in everything we should find peace? Be at rest? I always thought this was a hymn of comfort in the sense that everything's going to be okay. A "don't worry - be happy" type philosophy. But I was struck singing it this evening....
Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,This is the "wellness" - it's in Christ and in assurance of salvation. Nothing can strip that away from us. So it is well with me soul not because God promises to comfort the weak and wounded, but because, eternally speaking, we have already been saved. And nothing that we can ever say or do will change that.
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!
Woot.
Monday, March 17, 2008
Senseless (Echo and the Bunnymen)
18The wrath of God is being revealed from heaven against all the godlessness and wickedness of men who suppress the truth by their wickedness, 19since what may be known about God is plain to them, because God has made it plain to them. 20For since the creation of the world God's invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse.
28Furthermore, since they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, he gave them over to a depraved mind, to do what ought not to be done. 29They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice. They are gossips, 30slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents; 31they are senseless, faithless, heartless, ruthless. 32Although they know God's righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them.
Why do I not heed these warnings?
Thursday, March 6, 2008
Candle in the Wind (Elton John)
In the wake of Carolina's most recent tragedy, a great many thoughts pace the corridors of my mind. I will try to articulate them, but time and confusion may render them senseless.
Andy Jones spoke at RUF last night. Using 2 Samuel 12:1-14, he discussed the nature of sin. "What sin does...." 2 things: it compounds itself, and it conceals itself. It's this compounding idea that strikes me now. People discuss this as if it's an anomaly. As if murder isn't a natural inclination; as if it were senseless and ungrounded in our society. We're better than that, right? Well I don't know who "we" is, but I know that I am not. Sin is not an isolated act. This is not some freak accident that tragically stole our student body president from us. This is evidence of the fall. This is evidence of the baseness of our nature apart from Christ. I am capable of committing the same crime against mankind, except that I have the Holy Spirit governing my heart and turning me towards the love of Christ.
But our campus doesn't understand that. At least, not yet.
So what's our responsibility? What's next? How do we cope?
We pray. And we love. And we pray some more. And we read Scripture. (Psalm 73 - see below). And we pray again. And we continue to seek God's justice, not to enact man's vengeance, but to seek God's will and purpose in this situation. And we probably won't ever know what that is.
But as people begin to ask questions, we must be prepared to answer as best we can. We know exactly why these things happen - because man is sinful. And we know the answer - Jesus. Does that help? Does that make the hurt go away? Probably not. But will God be glorified? Yes. Even in this, God is sovereign, and will glorify himself.
Andy Jones spoke at RUF last night. Using 2 Samuel 12:1-14, he discussed the nature of sin. "What sin does...." 2 things: it compounds itself, and it conceals itself. It's this compounding idea that strikes me now. People discuss this as if it's an anomaly. As if murder isn't a natural inclination; as if it were senseless and ungrounded in our society. We're better than that, right? Well I don't know who "we" is, but I know that I am not. Sin is not an isolated act. This is not some freak accident that tragically stole our student body president from us. This is evidence of the fall. This is evidence of the baseness of our nature apart from Christ. I am capable of committing the same crime against mankind, except that I have the Holy Spirit governing my heart and turning me towards the love of Christ.
But our campus doesn't understand that. At least, not yet.
So what's our responsibility? What's next? How do we cope?
We pray. And we love. And we pray some more. And we read Scripture. (Psalm 73 - see below). And we pray again. And we continue to seek God's justice, not to enact man's vengeance, but to seek God's will and purpose in this situation. And we probably won't ever know what that is.
But as people begin to ask questions, we must be prepared to answer as best we can. We know exactly why these things happen - because man is sinful. And we know the answer - Jesus. Does that help? Does that make the hurt go away? Probably not. But will God be glorified? Yes. Even in this, God is sovereign, and will glorify himself.
from Psalm 73
Surely God is good to Israel,
to those who are pure in heart.
but as for me, my feet had almost slipped;
I had nearly lost my foothold.
For I envied the arrogant
when I saw the prosperity of the wicked.
Therefore pride is their necklace;
they clothe themselves with violence.
From their callous hearts comes iniquity;
the evil conceits of their minds know no limits.
Surely you place them on slippery ground;
you cast them down to ruin.
When my heart was grieved
and my spirit embittered,
I was senseless and ignorant;
I was a brute beast before you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.
Those who are far from you will perish;
you destroy all who are unfaithful to you
But as for me, it is good to be near God.
I have made the Sovereign Lord my refuge;
I will tell of all your deeds.
Sunday, March 2, 2008
You're So Vain (Carly Simon)
Flute recitals are very bad for me. I've been to three now (Sarah Fenske, when is yours?), and I always spend too much time there thinking. I mean, besides listening to the beautiful music, what else there to do?
What am I thinking about, you might ask. That would be a good question. Basically, my thoughts all stem from, "Man, why am I not that good?" Then go to, "Man, I could have been that good, if I had only practiced." To, "Man, I didn't practice cause I didn't want to practice....there are other things I want to do with my life." So as I sit and ponder my future, my degree as an English major and then becoming a teacher, I realize "Man, I'm not particularly good at either of my fields of expertise." Again, I begin to think "Man, what am I doing with my life?!"
So right now, I feel very out of place. I haven't performed in anything since my freshman year in Symphony Band. That's about all I did in high school. What do I have to show for all my English stuff? Papers that I've written that haven't quite been good enough. Books that I'm supposed to have read but haven't actually. I could write an honors thesis, but nobody would take the time to read it except for my professors. (And I don't really like to do research anyway, so I'm rethinking that whole idea.) Anyway, in the course of my reflections, I realized that I don't have much to show right now for all the work I've put into school and my activities here.
So am I just writing to depress you all? Another valid question.
No. I'm really writing to chastise myself. Why am I getting all depressed about this? What does it matter if I can play a piece of music by some dead guy? Why does it matter what I get on all my papers? I mean, eternally, it doesn't.
I don't know what I'm supposed to be getting from this blog. But I know it's not "I should try harder to do something that other people can see and clap for me about." (Although I'd like some applause every now and then.)
Then I had to ask myself the question, is that what this blog is about? Not this entry in particular but the whole blogging idea? I don't know. But I know now that I have an "audience of one or more," so I guess some of my works are out there for man to know and enjoy. Will he enjoy them?
But here's the real question - what am I doing on a day to day basis in my life that glorifies God?
Still working on that one....
What am I thinking about, you might ask. That would be a good question. Basically, my thoughts all stem from, "Man, why am I not that good?" Then go to, "Man, I could have been that good, if I had only practiced." To, "Man, I didn't practice cause I didn't want to practice....there are other things I want to do with my life." So as I sit and ponder my future, my degree as an English major and then becoming a teacher, I realize "Man, I'm not particularly good at either of my fields of expertise." Again, I begin to think "Man, what am I doing with my life?!"
So right now, I feel very out of place. I haven't performed in anything since my freshman year in Symphony Band. That's about all I did in high school. What do I have to show for all my English stuff? Papers that I've written that haven't quite been good enough. Books that I'm supposed to have read but haven't actually. I could write an honors thesis, but nobody would take the time to read it except for my professors. (And I don't really like to do research anyway, so I'm rethinking that whole idea.) Anyway, in the course of my reflections, I realized that I don't have much to show right now for all the work I've put into school and my activities here.
So am I just writing to depress you all? Another valid question.
No. I'm really writing to chastise myself. Why am I getting all depressed about this? What does it matter if I can play a piece of music by some dead guy? Why does it matter what I get on all my papers? I mean, eternally, it doesn't.
I don't know what I'm supposed to be getting from this blog. But I know it's not "I should try harder to do something that other people can see and clap for me about." (Although I'd like some applause every now and then.)
Then I had to ask myself the question, is that what this blog is about? Not this entry in particular but the whole blogging idea? I don't know. But I know now that I have an "audience of one or more," so I guess some of my works are out there for man to know and enjoy. Will he enjoy them?
But here's the real question - what am I doing on a day to day basis in my life that glorifies God?
Still working on that one....
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Spinning Wheel (Blood, Sweat & Tears)
Can we say conviction out the wazoo???
Deut. 10:12-22
"...what does the LORD your God ask of you but to fear the LORD your God..."
How would my life be different if I truly lived every day according to a proper fear of the Lord?
This question has been on my mind for several weeks, and I don't seem to be coming any closer to an answer. So I'll just pose the question and, in honor of Ben Inman, wait for an answer to come in God's time.
From the Ehrman Debrief with Byron this afternoon....
My New Testament class is an unfair boxing match in progress. I am ill-equipped to fight this man on his terms. And he knows that. It's as if I've been put in a ring with George Foreman or Muhammad Ali. It's not a fair fight. I don't have the theological/intellectual power to pack a punch.
But I can't just wallow in self-pity. I have to do something about it. Byron said that as a Christian, in signing up for this course, I've signed myself up for twice as much work. I not only have to read and write papers for Ehrman, but I have to read and research the truth for my own spiritual/mental/emotional well-being. I need to be reading a commentary on the Synoptic gospels, or a book about the canonization of scripture. And there's no getting out of it. Not enough time isn't an acceptable excuse. I just have to "suck it up."
That's a hard thing to hear. The last thing you want is to hear your pastor tell you that you have to do more homework. Shouldn't he be the understanding one telling you that "it's all okay if you just trust and persevere"? No. Not Byron. He'll shoot it right back in your face.
I remember he said the same thing when I observed that I had a hard time getting connected to older folks in the church. And Byron said that was on me. I had to introduce myself and start building my own relationships. He's one of those, "Tough nougies....be responsible" pastors. And that's exactly what I need.
Byron also covered the topic of sin. He talked specifically in reference to the Westminster Larger Catechism, questions 150-152:
Then in B-stud, we talked about politics (still as part of the CCC sermon series about living for Christ in culture). Some of the points in this conversation brought me back to the Mercy Team lunch on Sunday. At that meeting, we talked about homelessness, and I was totally inspired to guy buy a slice of pizza and eat with a homeless person on Franklin Street. But then in discussing politics, and whose responsibility it is to care for the homeless (the individual's, the family's, the church's, or the state's), I hesitate to buy that slice. I can't be responsible for every homeless person out there. And while that slice of pizza might taste good now, it is not a long term solution to that man's problem. But the gospel is. So how can we take the gospel to our community, providing for people when appropriate, and demanding personal responsibility when appropriate, but still putting Christ and the example of Jesus' mercy at the center? Heavy...
Finally, we had RUF tonight. Will Spokes taught us from 1 John 2:28-3:10.
Here's what gets me right now. My identity in Christ frees me to be honest about myself. Who I am. What I struggle with. As Will put it, how am I a poser?
I am a poser when I let on that my spiritual life is hunky dory when it's actually the biggest facade one could create. Well, let me qualify that - I AM a Christian. I have no doubt of the sincerity of my own faith. God's constant calling on my life is evidence of that. And I hope that those close to me would testify that I do bear some fruit appropriate to a Christian in my time of life. So in my non-Christian and my Christian cultures, I let on that I have it all together. And I DO think that I am theologically sound. But as far as the day to day goes, my spiritual walk is non-existent. I don't wake up each morning and commit to live my life for Christ. I "do the right thing" because it's how I've been raised. So is that fruit? Or is that just the influence of my parents?
I think this goes back to my "fear the Lord" question. What does a daily life look like that demonstrates fear of the Lord? What does it look like to daily rededicate myself to his service and to go about my daily business with the purpose of glorifying Him? Does it actually change anything? I think it does. I think a consciousness makes a difference. I don't know exactly what that looks like. "Authentic faith is running headlong to be like Him." Where am I running headlong?
And I think this sense of sin being incongruous with the life of a Christian sheds light on my physical state for the past few weeks. Sin is darkness. Sin is a war. Ask any of my friends and they can tell you that my face looked like a war zone. The light had gone out of me because I was living in deliberate sin. A house divided against itself cannot stand. I was being torn down. My sin just absolutely wore away at me not only spiritually, but mentally, emotionally, and physically. It was evident. How scary.
Just so y'all know, the answer to all of this is Christ. But I have an exam tomorrow and don't have time to explain it to you now. Just talk to me.
And in the midst of all of this, I'm not sure if I want to write and honors thesis anymore, and I'm not sure if I want to be a Bible study leader next year...
Deut. 10:12-22
"...what does the LORD your God ask of you but to fear the LORD your God..."
How would my life be different if I truly lived every day according to a proper fear of the Lord?
This question has been on my mind for several weeks, and I don't seem to be coming any closer to an answer. So I'll just pose the question and, in honor of Ben Inman, wait for an answer to come in God's time.
From the Ehrman Debrief with Byron this afternoon....
My New Testament class is an unfair boxing match in progress. I am ill-equipped to fight this man on his terms. And he knows that. It's as if I've been put in a ring with George Foreman or Muhammad Ali. It's not a fair fight. I don't have the theological/intellectual power to pack a punch.
But I can't just wallow in self-pity. I have to do something about it. Byron said that as a Christian, in signing up for this course, I've signed myself up for twice as much work. I not only have to read and write papers for Ehrman, but I have to read and research the truth for my own spiritual/mental/emotional well-being. I need to be reading a commentary on the Synoptic gospels, or a book about the canonization of scripture. And there's no getting out of it. Not enough time isn't an acceptable excuse. I just have to "suck it up."
That's a hard thing to hear. The last thing you want is to hear your pastor tell you that you have to do more homework. Shouldn't he be the understanding one telling you that "it's all okay if you just trust and persevere"? No. Not Byron. He'll shoot it right back in your face.
I remember he said the same thing when I observed that I had a hard time getting connected to older folks in the church. And Byron said that was on me. I had to introduce myself and start building my own relationships. He's one of those, "Tough nougies....be responsible" pastors. And that's exactly what I need.
Byron also covered the topic of sin. He talked specifically in reference to the Westminster Larger Catechism, questions 150-152:
How convicting. I really need to look through this as it applies to my own personal sin. Like really take time to dig through.Question 150: Are all transgressions of the law of God equally heinous in themselves, and in the sight of God?
Answer: All transgressions of the law of God are not equally heinous; but some sins in themselves, and by reason of several aggravations, are more heinous in the sight of God than others.
Question 151: What are those aggravations that make some sins more heinous than others?
Answer: Sins receive their aggravations,
- From the persons offending: if they be of riper age, greater experience or grace, eminent for profession, gifts, place, office, guides to others, and whose example is likely to be followed by others.
- From the parties offended: if immediately against God, his attributes, and worship; against Christ, and his grace; the Holy Spirit, his witness, and workings; against superiors, men of eminency, and such as we stand especially related and engaged unto; against any of the saints, particularly weak brethren, the souls of them, or any other, and the common good of all or many.
- From the nature and quality of the offense: if it be against the express letter of the law, break many commandments, contain in it many sins: if not only conceived in the heart, but breaks forth in words and actions, scandalize others, and admit of no reparation: if against means, mercies, judgments, light of nature, conviction of conscience, public or private admonition, censures of the church, civil punishments; and our prayers, purposes, promises, vows, covenants, and engagements to God or men: if done deliberately, wilfully, presumptuously, impudently, boastingly, maliciously, frequently, obstinately, with delight, continuance, or relapsing after repentance.
- From circumstances of time and place: if on the Lord's day, or other times of divine worship; or immediately before or after these, or other helps to prevent or remedy such miscarriages: if in public, or in the presence of others, who are thereby likely to be provoked or defiled.
Question 152: What does every sin deserve at the hands of God?
Answer: Every sin, even the least, being against the sovereignty, goodness, and holiness of God, and against his righteous law, deserves his wrath and curse, both in this life, and that which is to come; and cannot be expiated but by the blood of Christ.
Then in B-stud, we talked about politics (still as part of the CCC sermon series about living for Christ in culture). Some of the points in this conversation brought me back to the Mercy Team lunch on Sunday. At that meeting, we talked about homelessness, and I was totally inspired to guy buy a slice of pizza and eat with a homeless person on Franklin Street. But then in discussing politics, and whose responsibility it is to care for the homeless (the individual's, the family's, the church's, or the state's), I hesitate to buy that slice. I can't be responsible for every homeless person out there. And while that slice of pizza might taste good now, it is not a long term solution to that man's problem. But the gospel is. So how can we take the gospel to our community, providing for people when appropriate, and demanding personal responsibility when appropriate, but still putting Christ and the example of Jesus' mercy at the center? Heavy...
Finally, we had RUF tonight. Will Spokes taught us from 1 John 2:28-3:10.
28And now, dear children, continue in him, so that when he appears we may be confident and unashamed before him at his coming.Sinning. Keep on sinning. Abide in Him. Combine that with the sin stuff from the Westminster Larger Catechism, and I'm feeling uber convicted right now.29If you know that he is righteous, you know that everyone who does what is right has been born of him.
1How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him. 2Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when he appears,[a]we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is. 3Everyone who has this hope in him purifies himself, just as he is pure.
4Everyone who sins breaks the law; in fact, sin is lawlessness. 5But you know that he appeared so that he might take away our sins. And in him is no sin. 6No one who lives in him keeps on sinning. No one who continues to sin has either seen him or known him.
7Dear children, do not let anyone lead you astray. He who does what is right is righteous, just as he is righteous. 8He who does what is sinful is of the devil, because the devil has been sinning from the beginning. The reason the Son of God appeared was to destroy the devil's work. 9No one who is born of God will continue to sin, because God's seed remains in him; he cannot go on sinning, because he has been born of God. 10This is how we know who the children of God are and who the children of the devil are: Anyone who does not do what is right is not a child of God; nor is anyone who does not love his brother.
Here's what gets me right now. My identity in Christ frees me to be honest about myself. Who I am. What I struggle with. As Will put it, how am I a poser?
I am a poser when I let on that my spiritual life is hunky dory when it's actually the biggest facade one could create. Well, let me qualify that - I AM a Christian. I have no doubt of the sincerity of my own faith. God's constant calling on my life is evidence of that. And I hope that those close to me would testify that I do bear some fruit appropriate to a Christian in my time of life. So in my non-Christian and my Christian cultures, I let on that I have it all together. And I DO think that I am theologically sound. But as far as the day to day goes, my spiritual walk is non-existent. I don't wake up each morning and commit to live my life for Christ. I "do the right thing" because it's how I've been raised. So is that fruit? Or is that just the influence of my parents?
I think this goes back to my "fear the Lord" question. What does a daily life look like that demonstrates fear of the Lord? What does it look like to daily rededicate myself to his service and to go about my daily business with the purpose of glorifying Him? Does it actually change anything? I think it does. I think a consciousness makes a difference. I don't know exactly what that looks like. "Authentic faith is running headlong to be like Him." Where am I running headlong?
And I think this sense of sin being incongruous with the life of a Christian sheds light on my physical state for the past few weeks. Sin is darkness. Sin is a war. Ask any of my friends and they can tell you that my face looked like a war zone. The light had gone out of me because I was living in deliberate sin. A house divided against itself cannot stand. I was being torn down. My sin just absolutely wore away at me not only spiritually, but mentally, emotionally, and physically. It was evident. How scary.
Just so y'all know, the answer to all of this is Christ. But I have an exam tomorrow and don't have time to explain it to you now. Just talk to me.
And in the midst of all of this, I'm not sure if I want to write and honors thesis anymore, and I'm not sure if I want to be a Bible study leader next year...
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Waiting in the Wings (Point of Grace)
Hearts of hope
Seem hard to find these days
As darker deeds
Have their time on center stage
We watch it all
Unfolding scene by scene
And a happy ending
Seems a fading dream
Fear and desperation have their day
At least until faith steps up to say
I believe – though God is out of sight
He's working in the middle of all things
Evil may have its time in the spotlight
But love is waiting in the wings
Love is always waiting in the wings
It's your life
As it plays out don't forget it
Heartache comes
But the stories not done yet
When shadows come, your courage wants to fade
But in a moment, everything can change
I believe – though God is out of sight
He's working in the middle of all things
Evil may have its time in the spotlight
But love is waiting in the wings
Love is always waiting in the wings
There's always
More to any story
Than just what's here and now
There's not one
Hopeless situation
That can't be turned around
I believe – though God is out of sight
He's working in the middle of all things
Evil may have its time in the spotlight
But love is waiting in the wings
Love is always waiting in the wings
Seem hard to find these days
As darker deeds
Have their time on center stage
We watch it all
Unfolding scene by scene
And a happy ending
Seems a fading dream
Fear and desperation have their day
At least until faith steps up to say
I believe – though God is out of sight
He's working in the middle of all things
Evil may have its time in the spotlight
But love is waiting in the wings
Love is always waiting in the wings
It's your life
As it plays out don't forget it
Heartache comes
But the stories not done yet
When shadows come, your courage wants to fade
But in a moment, everything can change
I believe – though God is out of sight
He's working in the middle of all things
Evil may have its time in the spotlight
But love is waiting in the wings
Love is always waiting in the wings
There's always
More to any story
Than just what's here and now
There's not one
Hopeless situation
That can't be turned around
I believe – though God is out of sight
He's working in the middle of all things
Evil may have its time in the spotlight
But love is waiting in the wings
Love is always waiting in the wings
Monday, February 18, 2008
Run to You (Twila Paris)
In Bible study this past week, we talked about Judges 2. The Israelites failed to trust and obey God, and so he handed them over to their enemies for a little while. They went through this vicious cycle of rebellion, oppression, repentance, and new leadership only to fall back into rebellion. Isn't that true of all of our hearts? We grant God Lordship for a time, but then fall into rebellion, then the presence of sin oppresses our very being, affecting our relationships not only with God, but with our family and friends. Then we are driven to repentance, and new leadership is provided again in the form of the Holy Spirit at work in our lives. At work in my life.
So here I am, in a state of oppression. I'm hoping that this past weekend will be the ultimate low point for me. Yesterday at church, I had a time of repentance based mostly on this song:
I just realized that I got a little sidetracked from what I started to think about. So let's rewind again to Thursday night at Bible study.
In a tangent (I have no idea how he got on this ) about marriage, John R gave us a really clear picture of what God demands in our relationship with him. Fidelity. Intimacy. He has pined for us to such an extent that he cannot help but claim those who are his own.
Judges uses the word "prostituted" to describe the reality of idolatry in the lives of the Israelites, but it totally works for us too. "Whored," as the ESV says, means the giving of oneself without getting any real pleasure or love in return. If you only knew how true that is for me in my sin right now. It's an addiction. It's instant gratification - indulgence at the moment that is like running downhill, but the pattern of that lifestyle is desolate and destructive. Yes, yes, and yes. Amen. (If I were to cite a source here, it would be the shining lights of my Bible study - God's gift to me at this time in my life.)
Then our conversation turned to the idea of control. And one person said a little flippantly, but it really stuck with me, "If I really thought of who I am, then I'd be terrified to be in control." It reminded me of playing basketball in high school. I was scared to death that coach would put me in a game because I had no faith in my own ability to play the game. But when it comes to running my life, I think I have all the answers and I'm never scared to suit up and play. In fact, I'm a ball hog. (Okay, I might've killed that analogy...) The point is, I literally had a sick feeling in my gut that told me I shouldn't play in a game, it would be bad. Why then do I live life so carelessly? Why am I so ready to charge into situations beyond my control? In short, why am I so stupid?
To close this morning (because I should work on my astronomy lab that's due tomorrow), I have just a few things to share. The first is a scripture passage that, if you are reading this and would like to pray for me, basically outlines my needs right now. (Thanks Brenda.)
So here I am, in a state of oppression. I'm hoping that this past weekend will be the ultimate low point for me. Yesterday at church, I had a time of repentance based mostly on this song:
I Boast No More
1. No more, my God, I boast no more
Of all the duties I have done;
I quit the hopes I held before,
To trust the merits of Thy SonChorus: No more my God,
No more my God,
No more my God,
I boast no more.2. Now, for the loss I bear His name,
What was my gain I count my loss;
My former pride I call my shame,
And nail my glory to His cross.
(Repeat chorus)Bridge: Yes, and I must and will esteem
All things but loss for Jesus’ sake;
O may my soul be found in Him,
And of His righteousness partake!3. The best obedience of my hands
Dares not appear before Thy throne;
But faith can answer Thy demands,
By pleading what my Lord has done.
(Repeat chorus twice)©2001 Same Old Dress Music (ASCAP).
This'll be a long post, because I have a lot of songs and scripture references that need to be included.
I just realized that I got a little sidetracked from what I started to think about. So let's rewind again to Thursday night at Bible study.
In a tangent (I have no idea how he got on this ) about marriage, John R gave us a really clear picture of what God demands in our relationship with him. Fidelity. Intimacy. He has pined for us to such an extent that he cannot help but claim those who are his own.
Judges uses the word "prostituted" to describe the reality of idolatry in the lives of the Israelites, but it totally works for us too. "Whored," as the ESV says, means the giving of oneself without getting any real pleasure or love in return. If you only knew how true that is for me in my sin right now. It's an addiction. It's instant gratification - indulgence at the moment that is like running downhill, but the pattern of that lifestyle is desolate and destructive. Yes, yes, and yes. Amen. (If I were to cite a source here, it would be the shining lights of my Bible study - God's gift to me at this time in my life.)
Then our conversation turned to the idea of control. And one person said a little flippantly, but it really stuck with me, "If I really thought of who I am, then I'd be terrified to be in control." It reminded me of playing basketball in high school. I was scared to death that coach would put me in a game because I had no faith in my own ability to play the game. But when it comes to running my life, I think I have all the answers and I'm never scared to suit up and play. In fact, I'm a ball hog. (Okay, I might've killed that analogy...) The point is, I literally had a sick feeling in my gut that told me I shouldn't play in a game, it would be bad. Why then do I live life so carelessly? Why am I so ready to charge into situations beyond my control? In short, why am I so stupid?
To close this morning (because I should work on my astronomy lab that's due tomorrow), I have just a few things to share. The first is a scripture passage that, if you are reading this and would like to pray for me, basically outlines my needs right now. (Thanks Brenda.)
And finally, another song that seems to sum up where I am right now:
1 John 1
5This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. 6If we claim to have fellowship with him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth. 7But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.8If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. 9If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. 10If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word has no place in our lives.
Run to YouI think that will serve as my devotions for the day. More than I've done in quite some time......and hopefully I'll be back tomorrow to discuss the fear of the Lord (Deut. 10).Faster now than ever, I run to You
Now I know You better, I run to You
I am a little older now, You know it's true
Maybe a little wiser, too, I run to You
And I can see deeper than I did before
I do believe, never have I been so sure
That I need You every minute, every day
That I need You more than I could ever sayOoh, I run to You
Ooh, what else would I do?
I run to You, ooh, I run to You
OohEven on the sad days, I run to You
Even on the good days, too, I run to You
Even before all else fails, You know it's true
You are the wind in my sails, I run to You
And I can see deeper than I did before
I do believe, never have I been so sure
That I need You every footstep, all the way
That I need You so much more than I can say
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Every Breath You Take (The Police)
I really just created this blog in hopes that I could subscribe to other people's blogs and stalk them incessantly.
But I'm sure I'll use it for my own stream of consciousness writing whenever I feel the need....
But I'm sure I'll use it for my own stream of consciousness writing whenever I feel the need....
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