Normally I would've rather stuck a piece of tape on myself than use the same song for a blog title twice, but it just so happens that the song "Wanting Memories" is what I want to write about. So I find it more appropriate to keep the title. And as I think about tape again, I have changed my mind and decided that this is far more painless, and less disgusting :-P
I looked up the lyrics to this song for the first time tonight. And there's one verse that's kind of bringing together something that has been on my mind for awhile now. Like years.
I think on the things that made me feel so wonderful when I was young.
I think on the things that made me laugh, made me dance, made me sing.
I think on the things that made me grow into a being full of pride.
I think on these things, for they are true.
I am sitting here wanting memories to teach me
to see the beauty in the world through my own eyes.
So the basic premise of my train of thought goes back to when I was a middle schooler. I had these devotionals called YouthWalk. We did them as a youth group for awhile. Then I started doing them on my own when our youth group made a transition. I just remember absolutely LOVING those devotionals. I literally could not wait to go to bed just because I knew it would be time to read that little snippet and spend some time with God. I was filled with pure joy at the thought. It "made me feel so wonderful," if you will.
I think my biggest struggle as a Christian is making it a priority to spend time with God. And because of that lack of time, I've found myself wading deeper and deeper into sin over the past 8 months. I continue to kick myself because I would love nothing more than to return to the pure joy I felt in those days - the joy of just having a few quiet moments to myself to share with the one who had all the answers to my boy problems, my school problems, my family problems, and my "me" problems. Where has that gone?
That's why the Bible tells us that we must have the faith of a child.
I was watching a documentary today about the olympics. The reporter interviewed a member of the Chinese gymnastics team. She competed in 2004, and is hoping to compete again in 2008 (I don't know if she actually is). This gymnast talked about how much harder it is for her to train than her younger teammates. She's just tired. Her body is worn out. And that raw energy and enthusiasm is gone.
I've seen a similar trend in myself since I've grown up in the band. I used to want to go on every trip and play at every event, but now I'm too tired to bother sometimes.
But it's so much more dangerous to become weary in our spiritual journeys. If it's important to maintain our physical health as we get older, how much more so should we strive to maintain our spiritual health? But in a world that is driven by outward appearance, which do we actually devote ourselves too? Honestly, I think more about my weight than I do about my heart. I'm more concerned with what other people think of me than I am with my vertical relationship with God.
At times, I miss the days when Mom and Dad would say, "it doesn't matter how well you play on this concert, just do it for Jesus." But when they DO tell me that these days, it seems juvenile, grates on my nerves, and I slough it off.
I just want to kick myself over again for being so stubborn and not maintaining my spiritual health. For not taking my own advice and going running back to the "memories to teach me." Time with God brings great joy. It's a command, but it's also a gift. We have to be idiots NOT to accept that.
So I'm irritated with myself. And I want more accountability like I had this summer - a friend who would e-mail me and ask me what I was reading. Why don't we do that more often for each other too? It sounded cheesy with Lizabeth offered that to me back in the spring, but when it was organically offered over the summer, I wanted that help and encouragement. And I still want it now.
So if you're reading this, and it makes sense to you, let me know, and let's see what we can do about it together.
From Isaiah 40:
28 Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.29 He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;31 but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
And from Hebrews 12:
1Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. 2Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.
4In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. 5And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons:
"My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline,
and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,
6because the Lord disciplines those he loves,
and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son."
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