Flute recitals are very bad for me. I've been to three now (Sarah Fenske, when is yours?), and I always spend too much time there thinking. I mean, besides listening to the beautiful music, what else there to do?
What am I thinking about, you might ask. That would be a good question. Basically, my thoughts all stem from, "Man, why am I not that good?" Then go to, "Man, I could have been that good, if I had only practiced." To, "Man, I didn't practice cause I didn't want to practice....there are other things I want to do with my life." So as I sit and ponder my future, my degree as an English major and then becoming a teacher, I realize "Man, I'm not particularly good at either of my fields of expertise." Again, I begin to think "Man, what am I doing with my life?!"
So right now, I feel very out of place. I haven't performed in anything since my freshman year in Symphony Band. That's about all I did in high school. What do I have to show for all my English stuff? Papers that I've written that haven't quite been good enough. Books that I'm supposed to have read but haven't actually. I could write an honors thesis, but nobody would take the time to read it except for my professors. (And I don't really like to do research anyway, so I'm rethinking that whole idea.) Anyway, in the course of my reflections, I realized that I don't have much to show right now for all the work I've put into school and my activities here.
So am I just writing to depress you all? Another valid question.
No. I'm really writing to chastise myself. Why am I getting all depressed about this? What does it matter if I can play a piece of music by some dead guy? Why does it matter what I get on all my papers? I mean, eternally, it doesn't.
I don't know what I'm supposed to be getting from this blog. But I know it's not "I should try harder to do something that other people can see and clap for me about." (Although I'd like some applause every now and then.)
Then I had to ask myself the question, is that what this blog is about? Not this entry in particular but the whole blogging idea? I don't know. But I know now that I have an "audience of one or more," so I guess some of my works are out there for man to know and enjoy. Will he enjoy them?
But here's the real question - what am I doing on a day to day basis in my life that glorifies God?
Still working on that one....
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2 comments:
Why so down on yourself on if you aren't "good" at english or music or teaching? You know you are good at all of those things. And you probably think you aren't good because you are comparing yourself in all of them. It's not about comparisons. Just do what you love, and know that you are doing them to glorify God.
Since all that's been on my mind lately is Fight Club, here's some more food for thought. It's a quote by Brad Pitt on Fight Club...
"We're so concerned with failure and success—like these two things are all that's going to sum you up at the end."
I thought about that one for awhile. Love you, Bethany.
Hey, guess what...I feel exactly the same way. You know what, though? The beauty of Christ is that our failures and successes both run cold when viewed against the fact that we simply know that God is the bottom line.
Like Ben says, I love you (and your Josephus quote).
And you are correct, it is a cemetery.
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