Closing Time (Semisonic)

Closing time...every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.

I had a conversation with my dad after the last blog post I wrote. He simply stated, "You're in a new season of life." It hadn't occurred to me til that time the difference in the two seasons. I'm still in school, but grad school, and my program in particular, is a completely different beast.

In undergrad, I took for granted that I could walk across campus and see someone I knew. That I could set up a time to meet for lunch and then stay connected with people during the week. That I'd see people at least 3 times if they went to church, RUF, and small group with me. In my day to day life, I see people who truly know once a week. Maybe twice if I'm lucky. I'm living with new people, not strangers, but not close friends. I'm surrounded by the world of education, which is not full of Believers with the same presuppositions. My schedule is even prohibitive when it comes to joining a small group. Two weeks I've had stuff that prevented me from going to the women's small group through church. Anyone who truly knows me knows that that's not like me. When I commit, I'm committed. I'm a regular attender, come ruin or rapture.

Who is this person?!

I'm also forced to deal with the question, are some of my feelings linked to depression? Do I need to go talk to someone? The stress. The loneliness. No, not just loneliness. Isolation. Is this just the nature of my "new season?" And if it is, what can I do to survive in it?

Closing time...every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.

Lonely (Bobby Vinton/Akon)

I had a picnic in the arboretum today with a group of my closest friends from RUF. From last year.

Today, I sat in that circle, and felt totally lost. I didn't know what was going on in anybody's lives. They had no idea what was going on in mind. They didn't spend time catching up with "so how're classes going?" amongst each other. But I was asked by 3 different people, "How's teaching going," "What are the best and worst experiences you've had in teaching thus far," and "How's life as an adult?" They didn't know what questions to ask about my life, and I didn't know what to ask about theirs.

So I sat there. I observed. I was generally entertained by their merriment. But I felt like an observer. I felt like a guest. Even some of the freshmen were better integrated than I was. I felt lonely.

To a certain extent, that's the way it should be. They should be invested in each other's lives, spending time together, talking to each other on a regular basis so that the niceties are no longer necessary. And I should be in a separate world. I live in a different city, I'm living a completely different lifestyle, and I never make any time to spend with them, so it's the logical conclusion.

But then I realized, I'm not making many connections with other people. Not other Christians, anyway. I have the folks in my program, the girls in my house, but I'm isolated from Christian fellowship during the week. I was going to try to go to the women's Bible study at my church in the evenings, but for the last two weeks, it just hasn't been feasible with my schedule. Am I dangerously isolated? Or is this just a season in my life with less friends? I'm not sure.

Part of it is that my two closest friends have been out of town the last three weekends (wow, both of them for the same weekends - I just put that together). Things will feel different when they're back again. But does that make this lonely feeling okay? Is it excusable?

I honestly don't know if I'm doing this to myself, if I should be concerned, or if this is just a season in my life when I'll be a little disconnected. No idea.

Wonder (Chris Rice)

Started thinking about heaven.

If it's the "new heavens and the new earth," then in what ways will it resemble this one? Will I still have the option to live on 9th Street in Durham, NC? Will I still live in a 5 bedroom house with a 32" TV? Will the cable ever go out? Will there even be cable guys? Will I pay the cable guy for his work? When the cable guy slams the door of his truck, will it startle me? Will 9th Street be paved with gold? Will I still be a teacher? Will the Biscuit King still be a broken down building not fit to house a business? Or will someone come along and spruce it up? Will the "limited atonement" fix the over-population problem? Or will there always be enough space, just like there was always enough fish? Will we just do away with a capitalist system? Or will that capitalist system just function without corruption?

Will our lives function basically as they do now for all eternity? Only better? Righteous? And all for God's glory? What will Moses do on 9th Street? What will 9th Street be like in the time of the Second Coming?

These are big questions.

My brain hurts.

Crush (David Archuleta)

I'm obsessed with Harry Potter right now. I saw HP and the HBP twice in 24 hours. What's wrong with me?

Well, nothing per se.

But I do feel as if I'm in one of those "2 steps forward, 1 step back" kind of situations.

I love the humanity of the latest HP film. The kids have grown up (the actors are now actual adults). This movie lost some of the melodrama in favor of reality. I got butterflies in my stomach when Harry and Ginny finally kissed. And why wouldn't I? You could see the look on his face in every shot - "is it really just another crush?" The teenage aspect of this story is adorable. Well-played, I think the actors have finally achieved an effective chemistry on screen.

But I walked away feeling all warm and fuzzy for Harry and Ginny, and feeling very sorry for myself. Compounded by the fact that my roommate's boyfriend is visiting for the weekend.

I find myself analyzes all my current relationships with males in hopes that one of them will yield a date in the near future. Why?! To what end?! If I still want that "Yes! Of course!" effect, then I need to sit back and be patient.

It's easier said than done at this point. I want what (it seems like) everyone else has.

Pray for me.

I Feel Good (James Brown)

I went to GSW today for Alumni Day to visit my girls (and, incidentally, the faculty from this year). I was a little apprehensive about going. And hour in the car gives you a lot of time to think, and I wondered if I would have been better off staying at home and reading for class, even though that's all I've done lately.

But it was so right.

I saw two of my girls and they came running at me and gave me hugs. Then I stopped by the office and got my picture taken so I can be in the Summerbook. Then I chilled with the faculty for a bit. And then it happened. My girls came out of their meeting towards main campus. As soon as they caught sight of me, they let out a collective squeal and then *sprinted* across the quad to give me hugs. It was glorious! 8 of them, one right after the other! (They say you need 7 hugs a day to be healthy? This was the healthiest day of my life :)

It was really awesome to see my girls again. I had a great time. They had a great time with each other. And I couldn't help but wonder if I had a bit of a hand in bringing these girls together. After all, I did sit out on the hall and chat with them that first night ;)

In all seriousness, seeing them interact with each other and having the opportunity to interact with them again made me feel so confident about this coming year. So many teachers are like "I'm so young, what if they don't respect me?" I'm like "Bring it on y'all, I survived high school!" I love these kids. I love this age. And it's gratifying to see evidence of how well I interact with people this age. (Not that all my kids will be polite, intelligent GSW material.)

I was also excited to see my interaction with the TACs. They were all glad to see me back! I only spent 2 weeks with them, but I got all kinds of hugs from them too! A huge part of me wishes I was still there. But it's nice to spend some time away and really be missed, rather than come back and have people be like "what is she doing here again?" I even had a couple people promise that they would play water polo if I came back next week! How special is that?!

Anyway, I feel good. I just hope I can apply all this positive energy to make up for lost time and put a huge dent in my homework tonight :)

When Did You Fall (Chris Rice)

I'm kind of obsessed with relationships right now, can you tell? This song is about (I assume) a guy who finally realizes how he feels about a girl, and that she's felt this way about him for awhile. He's wondering what he missed along the way...

I think it's adorable. And I'm delighted to say that it's kind of like the story of a friend. She recently started dating someone who she's known for a long time, but only in the past year or so really became close to and started dating. (It's the best story!)

It's sort of what I always envisioned for myself. I had a crush for 6 years in middle and high school. I always expected this guy to figure out, "Oh wait, this girl is fantastic! What took me so long to figure it out?!" Well...that didn't happen. He went off in the military, I went off to school, I realized how much we both changed, and now he's engaged to a girl he met online.

The really beautiful thing about this new couple, though, is the way they're being totally open, honest, and intentional about maintaining a respectful, respectable, Christ-centered/honoring relationship. They want to conduct themselves in such a way that if they every break up, they'll both be the better for the experience (and won't cause any tension between their families). So they're going to read the Bible together. They're not going to kiss. And they're keeping open lines of communication.

I've often wondered how one goes about having a "Christ-centered" relationship. As if it's some secret goal that I will have in my relationship and I'll spend my time apart thinking about how I can steer us in that direction. But it shouldn't be like that at all! If anything, I've heard it said over and over, the person you are in a relationship with should be your best friend. They should know what's wrong before you even say anything. There's no hiding your motives, intentions, and struggles. So it's not like this game that Christian couples need to play with each other. It's a concentrated effort that needs to be made. Hmm...maybe like all other aspects of the Christian walk.

I'm just excited for this couple. It's been a blessing already to see the way they've conducted themselves. It's ideal, from my viewpoint. It's what I want. So of course, I'm thrilled for my friend.

I also want to share that God has been at work in me lately. He's been drawing me to Himself. For some reason (not because of any particular guilt- or spiritually-driven endeavor on my part), I have had consistent devotions for the past week. I'm *finally* getting around to diving into a study of the fear of the Lord. What does this mean? What does a healthy fear of the Lord look like?

I'm realizing that God brings me close to him when he knows that I'll be tried. (Hmm...I'll have to look out for that.) I had my best devotions during my 6 weeks at Governor's School. I needed to cling to God at that point. And as I look at my work load and realize how overwhelming this year will be, I'm realizing that I will need to cling to God now again. (When have I NOT needed to cling to Him?!)

I'm thrilled. I'm invigorated. I'm glad to share it with people. I'm content with the work He is doing. And I'm keeping my eyes peeled for the adventures he has in store for me.

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun (Cyndi Lauper)

I have to process some of the stuff that just happened in class.

We talked about gender. A favorite topic for educators today. How does gender play out in the classroom? How do we reinforce gender stereotypes? Are teachers sexist?

Here's the thing. I believe that there are inherent differences in males and females. There. It goes back to Genesis. "It is not good for man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him." (Gen. 2:18) Males and females have different anatomy, physiology, body chemistry, DESIGN! Adam was designed to care for the garden; Eve was designed to help him.

From a 21st century viewpoint, this is unfair. It's unjust. It's unequal. *BUT!* But but but! "You are all sons of God through faith in Jesus Christ." (Gal. 3:26) So there IS equality of value in dissimilar designs.

Okay, with that understanding...I think men and women probably learn differently. We have different designs, we have different natural dispositions (probably not a "correct" psychology term), we have different modes of functioning.

In the same way, among groups of females, we have different designs, different natural dispositions, different modes of functioning. The same is true for males.

We read this case study for class. Students are learning the respiratory system. There's a computer program that takes students on a tour of the system, and then simulates the function of the respiratory system - so students can learn the parts, and see it work. Great. This case study puts forth 3 pairs of students, all male/female pairs. In each pair, the male is doing the activity on the computer, and the female is recording their findings on a worksheet. The case study goes on to represent the bickering between these pairs. "No, you got that wrong." "You're scrolling too fast!" Etc. - - - The case study picks up the next day: Did students actually learn the material? 6 students' responses are recorded, 2 are female, all are correct. Only 1 of the students was depicted doing the work the day before.

The book goes on to ask questions: "Ms. McNaught ignores the students' bickering in the lab. Is this a good strategy? Why or why not?" and "In what ways are male and female students in Ms. McNaught's class having different educational experiences?"

We talked about this for awhile in class today. Studies show that there are discrepancies in the way males and females are treated in class. Teachers call on males more. They address males' questions more often. Teachers write different types of comments on students' papers (on a female paper: great handwriting and style, on a male paper: great content). Now this just seems absurd and problematic to me.

However, it also seems like it's not the whole picture. I sat there for the entire class period thinking, "if I was a student in this class, I would have been taking the notes, I may have bickered with my partner, and I don't think I would've answered one of the questions in class the next day. But that's me!"

I find it interesting that we focus on the male/female distinction without regard to, "Do these individual females simply prefer note-taking?"

I also find it hypocritical that we talked about personality assessments, particularly the differences between introverts and extroverts and the tendency for introverts to let everyone have their say before speaking up in class, but then ignored that factor in discussing the case study. Isn't it possible that the 3 pairs we saw could have just been pairs of introverts and extroverts! Or they could have been pairs of all introverts, which is why only 1 of them spoke up on class the next day!

The thing that drove me nuts all through college and my teaching fellows classes was the tendency to boil things down to one particular issue. "X is the factor that is at work here. We need to understand it in these terms." But Eve wasn't designed just to be a helper. Her anatomy enables her to be a mother. Her human nature enables her to be a companion. Her status as "created being" allows her to be a worshiper. When we discuss a case study like this from the 1 point of view, we miss out on all the other diversity! Diverse learners, diverse practitioners.

I get so fed up with "learning" about a single perspective and then viewing something with *that* perspective rather than taking a comprehensive approach.

Maybe I'm just pissed because I felt discriminated against as an individual who would have been perfectly content to function in that classroom setting, still probably would have understood the material, and would be happy! "Oh, but we need to encourage exploration so that students don't 'foreclose' their identities." What if a student has found his or her identity? What if that was it?

It's not fair because one case study doesn't represent a year of work in a classroom and the plethora of learning environments that classroom and student combination can create. It's not fair because thinking of "gender stereotyping" as bad doesn't allow for those folks who actually fit the bill. It's not fair because we are sinful.



On a side note, one of the comments made about males vs. females is that when they perform poorly on, say, a math test, the males tend to blame the teacher and the females tend to blame themselves.

I went to my instructor to talk about a discussion I have to lead this Thursday. I hadn't read at all, hadn't prepared anything, just wanted to touch base with her. She says "Well, it would have been helpful if you'd done the reading..." What's my reaction? "Crap, I've done it again. Approached a professor in ignorance because I didn't prioritize things this weekend. Now she thinks I'm stupid and ill-prepared when really I'm a good student."

I think, with her permission, I'm going to try to be pissed at her. But I don't even know how I can rationally do that.

Was her behavior at all sexist?

I think it'd be a bullshit conversation to have, but she'd probably love it.

Bubbly (Colbie Caillat)

I have been inundated with couples.

It's summer. People are getting married. Wonderful, beautiful people whom I love, and they're getting married.

It's Governor's School. Teenagers show up and within 24 hours have found someone to hold hands with, cuddle with, and wander around campus with while the TACs watch, disgusted, waiting for an Honor Code violation.

It's graduate school. People are growing up. And for the majority of us, that means dedicating themselves to serious relationships.

And I am single.

I have to remind myself that this is not a bad thing. I think I'm realizing that God might be protecting my future husband from the ball of stress that I'm sure to be this year.

At the same time, I long. I want. I imagine. I sulk.

I've been thinking about that quote (and I can't even give credit because this sentiment has been so largely circulated that there's no telling who said it originally): If you dance with God, he'll let the perfect man cut in.

I love the rationale. Get your relationship with God right before you even *think* about a relationship. (Great reminder I got from a friend a few months ago when someone was trying to set me up.)

But as much as I love the idea, and the image of a daughter dancing on her daddy's feet, this philosophy is problematic. I slip into thinking, "Of course, God won't give me a man until I get everything straightened out with him..." Wanting a relationship becomes my motivation for spending time with God. At this point, I even go to church every Sunday wondering what new grad student He's brought to town. That's not why I go, but I devote lots of attention to it while I'm there.

Once again, I'm baffled by the fact that I know, intellectually, that my relationship with God is so beautiful, so wholesome, so fulfilling, so loving that it is all I need. God should make me feel all "Bubbly" inside. But I don't pursue God the way I do a crush. I don't spend hours thinking about him, Facebook stalking him, talking to my friends about him. I still confine my relationship with God to this box that I stand in whenever I go to church, to Bible study, or have the opportunity to "take a stand" in public.

Ack, these aren't bad things! But are y'all seeing it? It gets at the question of motivation. I'm finding myself slipping into the idea of "Get things right with God because then, and only then, will He bring someone into your life." And that's just so flawed. I want to want to pursue a relationship with God because he is THE best thing that's ever happened to me. It's just hard to see that through my own sin, sometimes.

Down Under (Men at Work)

I'm obsessed with this song only because I just posted pictures from my trip to Gettysburg where my brothers sang "Down Under" at the tops of their lungs in the dining room of Dino's Restaurant and Pizzeria.



My actual purpose for writing is to say that I am keeping a separate blog for one of my MAT classes. 90 Minutes will explore various issues that students deal with outside the classroom: gang involvement, drug use, full-time jobs, familial stress and (hopefully not) abuse.

I hope my faithful readers will also check out what I'll be writing at this other location.

Happy Blogging!

Scorn Not the Love Song (Me)

We have an assignment for my poetry class to do some sort of creative response to a poem we read in class this year. I wrote a poetic response to William Wordsworth's "Scorn Not the Sonnet." This is my assignment, basically exactly how I'll turn it in. Enjoy.

Wordsworth, "Scorn Not the Sonnet"

Scorn not the Sonnet; Critic, you have frowned,
Mindless of its just honours; with this key
Shakespeare unlocked his heart; the melody
Of this small lute gave ease to Petrarch's wound;
A thousand times this pipe did Tasso sound;
With it Camöens soothed an exile's grief;
The Sonnet glittered a gay myrtle leaf
Amid the cypress with which Dante crowned
His visionary brow: a glow-worm lamp,
It cheered mild Spenser, called from Faery-land
To struggle through dark ways; and, when a damp
Fell round the path of Milton, in his hand
The Thing became a trumpet; whence he blew
Soul-animating strains--alas, too few!

Phillis, "Scorn Not the Love Song"

Scorn not the love song; Lover, you have frowned,
Thoughtful of engagements, break-ups; ev’ry
Man or woman whose heart beats lustily,
Surely some other man or woman wounds.
Beyond man’s reach, another love abounds;
With it, I AM soothed an exile’s grief;
The engagements of such love, far from brief.
When on the cross, Christ’s guiltless head was crowned –
His battered, blood-stained brow, His word a lamp –
It cheered me, chief of sinners; when a tramp
Called out, He called back in love, with a Word
Sharper than any double-edgéd sword;
His death heralded life; His life brought peace
To Lovers, Sinners, His mercies increase.

I started with William Wordsworth’s “Scorn Not the Sonnet.” I enjoyed this because it defended a genre that had come under some criticism. As I thought of genres that come under criticism today, I considered Hip Hop, which is misunderstood as just being “rap,” but, my brother has instructed me, is different from rap because it has a positive message. Hip Hop is not about getting money, women, and cars; Hip Hop is about personal growth, loyalty, and standing up to the world.

As I thought about the message of Hip Hop and how to get that across, I realized that there’s an even greater message that needs to be communicated today. The message of God’s love; of the saving grace he offers through the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. I’ve been thinking about a lot of the Christian hymns, and the way we sing, carelessly, joyfully, and with gusto, about the gruesome death that Jesus died on the cross. Not that we shouldn’t sing about it, but we shouldn’t sing lines like “let the water and the blood/from thy riven side which flowed/be of sin the double cure” without thinking about how gross it is for blood and water to flow out of the side of a man’s pierced body.

I also started thinking about the types of love songs that are other there. I came up with a whole “blazon” if you will. There’s the “I just fell in love” song, the “I’m in love but won’t say it” love song, the “You make me nuts and I just wanna break up with you “love song, the “I can’t believe you just broke up with me!” love song, the “don’t you dare break up with me” love song, and the “I’ve been bruised and battered so I ain’t gonna love again” love song. And lots of these love songs are poorly written. Taylor Swift’s recent hit, “Love Story” includes a line that still perplexes me. It’s the story of two young people falling in love against their parents wishes. She sings, “You were Romeo, I was the Scarlet Letter, and my daddy said, ‘Stay away from Juliet.’” I undersand the Romeo and Juliet thing, but what is she doing talkig about the Scarlet Letter? Does she understand that the Scarlet Letter was an “A” and stood for “Adultery” which is generally considered bad?! I think she just threw in another literary reference because her agent said, “We have to get the kids reading, then their parents will buy your albums!” It’s a joke.

So with all that in mind, I set out to create a distinction between the sappy and hurtful love songs that are popular in music today and the source of all love, which is the love that comes from God. As I wrote the sonnet, I used Wordsworth’s as a guide, even borrowed part of a line and several of his rhymes (I don’t think he’ll miss them). But I altered the rhyme scheme in the sestet because there aren’t too many other rhymes for “lamp” and it just so happens that this was one situation when “tramp” is appropriate.

I Asked the Lord (John Newton)

I should have known that words so powerfully conveying an experience of brokenness and repentance would come from the man who gave us "Amazing Grace." I just learned this when I looked up the song to give credit in my blog title.

For those of you who are concerned, I hope that this will paint a picture of my experience over the last few weeks. I'm going to use the titular song to walk you through this experience.

1. I asked the Lord that I might grow
In faith and love and every grace
Might more of His salvation know
And seek more earnestly His face

2. Twas He who taught me thus to pray
And He I trust has answered prayer
But it has been in such a way
As almost drove me to despair

3. I hoped that in some favored hour
At once He'd answer my request
And by His love's constraining power
Subdue my sins and give me rest

4. Instead of this He made me feel
The hidden evils of my heart
And let the angry powers of Hell
Assault my soul in every part

5. Yea more with His own hand He seemed
Intent to aggravate my woe
Crossed all the fair designs I schemed,
Cast out my feelings, laid me low

6. Lord why is this, I trembling cried
Wilt Thou pursue thy worm to death?
"Tis in this way" The Lord replied
"I answer prayer for grace and faith"

7. "These inward trials I employ
From self and pride to set thee free
And break thy schemes of earthly joy
That thou mayest seek thy all in me,
That thou mayest seek thy all in me."

So I felt like I was in a terrible place, spiritually, coming into the semester. At the RUF planning retreat, I got a knot in the pit of my stomach when I was told we were going to spend 45 minutes in prayer. Just talking to God. How retarded is that. Well, it indicates my state of being.

But God was gracious to me through that weekend. He brought me around to understanding how he would use me this semester, and he graciously allowed me to get in the habit of spending some time with him every day. It's not the most intellectually stimulating, but it's happening. And I believe God is honoring that (even though it's coming from him in the first place). So I felt like the first half of the semester, I was in a good place, spiritually. And I was continually challenged to ask God for grace and growth. This places me somewhere in the range of that first verse.

The second verse brings me slightly into my recent hardship. Although I want to nuance it. God has been at work in such a way that he didn't let my "spiritual success" continue that way. He has not driven me to despair, well, not at first, but more to a state of brokenness. Coming back from spring break, I felt that I had not rested enough, had not had enough time away from friends to "recuperate" if you will, from the first half of the semester. I am an introvert. I re-energize by spending time by myself. I was denied much of this time because of my opportunities with the band to attend basketball games. (I know, how can I possibly be complaining?! Well...it's not that I'm not grateful...)

As I was reading these lyrics awhile ago, I got to the end of the third verse and just wrote "Yes!"

But God doesn't work the way I want him to; he has his own plan for my life. Which, as Daniel preached tonight, involves sacrifice and fellowship in suffering. God has been revealing "the hidden evils of my heart," which are the "self and pride" addressed in verse 7. I have been selfish, wanting to live according to my own schedule, in my own space, on my own terms. I don't want to be accountable to anyone. I want to be left alone. [Kathy has already called me to the grace that we experience through fellowship, even as simple as having to do the dishes to serve someone. But right now, I don't want a part in that.] My own pride says, "Duke wants me. They're paying me to go to school. I've worked hard for 4 years and now I'm getting the payoff. So forget classes, forget people. I'm ready to move on to this new experience and enjoy the next phase of my life. But God has "crossed all the fair designs I schemed." Mostly through my parents, he's made me not take for granted my accomplishments. He's made me realize that I may have to continue to live with people for awhile. He's made me realize that just because I've been offered a great opportunity doesn't mean he'll let me partake in it. I've been angry, because it seems like every time I talk to my parents, they have some reservation about what's going on. They're thinking economically, but the economy isn't coinciding with my personal wants right now. So I'm growing angry, frustrated, feeling thwarted in all my plans.

Hmm..."Lord why is this, I trembling cried?" I have been reduced to tears, I don't even know how many times this week. This is despair. Where before I faced brokenness, now I'm confronted with my selfishness and pride, being thwarted in all my own attempts, and I'm despairing because God is the last person I'm looking to for a solution.

But as of Sunday, I'm starting to see all this as God's answer to my prayers for "grace and faith." I told Julia on Sunday, "I've seen the ways this past week I've failed as a roommate, as a Bible study leader, in everything." And she simply replied, "Bethany, you always fail as a roommate and a small group leader." I think that's the best thing you've ever said to me, Julia. When we finally hit the bottom, we have two options, we can either look down, and see Jesus on the cross beneath us, having "raced to the bottom" to sacrifice himself on our behalf (Phil. 2:6-11). Or we can look up, and see a loving father beckoning for us to return to himself, to found ourselves in his grace and mercy.

So the 7th verse simply summarizes this place that God has brought me to: he has called me to seek my all in him.

That's a pretty accurate summary of these past few weeks. But if I'm really honest, I'm not prepared to grapple with the reality of this calling. I know what God wants from me: to give up thinking about myself - to think economically and consider living with a roommate, to think relationally and stop sulking around my roommates and friends, to think Biblically and realize that all my best accomplishments are nothing more than a pile of shit (Phil. 3:8).

So I ask for prayer. Frankly, I know that praying along these lines means I have to give up my selfishness, which I really want to hold on to right now. So I need prayer on my behalf. Please intercede for me. My head can tell me that's what I need even while my heart rebels.

Every comment seems like a personal attack. I'm sick of this place, but I'm not pleased with myself that I'm so ready to be done. It's a bittersweet feeling. I'm being torn apart. I know I have to exist in this place until May 10th. And I don't want it to be a miserable experience. But I don't care about my classes. I'm worn out being with people. I'm tired of being accountable to people. And I've cried more in the last week than in the last year. I'm unhappy. And I don't want to stay that way, but it's an uphill battle that I'm losing right now. Selfishly, I really just want to be left alone.

I know that this is a problem spiritually. I know that.

My thoughts are constantly with my plans for next year, which still seem to be up in the air despite my certainty as to what I want. I guess I just hate living, because I'm sick and tired of having to think about money all the time, I'm sick of being accountable to people for things - stupid things like social events for Teaching Fellows. I'm 22 years old. I don't want you to tell me that I have to try to be friends with these people when I will never speak to them again.

But that's not at all realistic because there's always red tape, nothing is free, and someone else will always be my boss.

Yeah selfish.

I don't care.

Total Eclipse of the Heart (Bonnie Tyler)

I think I've been a little bipolar of late. In two ways - stress stuff, and relationship stuff.

Stress stuff:
Most of last week, I felt like an absolute downer. At the end of Dance Marathon, I bawled. I couldn't believe that something that has been part of my life for 4 years was over. It was the first time I felt like I was saying good-bye to something I love, something that has been an intrinsic part of my experience at UNC.

Then I went to RUF the following Tuesday, and realized that the leadership in RUF is changing. I was the only Senior at our last leadership meeting. I used to be on the praise team. I'm not doing it now because of scheduling reasons, but it just feels like a whole new group is leading it. Like I'm just visiting now - tagging along until the end.

I did absolutely NO homework last week. None. I just decided I wasn't going to, no matter the consequences. Is that me? I really must be sick. (With a little something called Senioritis.)

Finally on Friday, I broke down. I lost it. I found out that someone else had gotten an extension for their deposit to UNC with a simple e-mail, while I got the run-around from the program. I was insulted. I felt disrespected. And after talking to my dad, I collapsed in a heap on my bed not wanting to do anything. What was the deal?

After talking to my mom, I realized that there's a lot more stress in my life than I give myself credit for dealing with. I'm getting ready to graduate - I AM leaving something that has been precious to me for the past 4 years. And right now, my future is unknown. That's stressful! I've always known what I've wanted, I've always been able to make it happen, and I've usually been able to make it happen early. What's up with this waiting game?

So with the acknowledgment that my life is stressful right now, I started to feel a little better. That and a trip to the grocery to get ice cream (Edy's was on sale after all!!!) and plans to see High School Musical 3 with Danielle all started to make me feel a little better.

Then I got an e-mail. It told me that the decision about my application to Duke was available online. I was practically shaking. But somehow I got myself in - logged in to my application and in to the MAT program!!!

Talk about a "total eclipse of the heart." I went from being Debbie Downer to "Surpriiiiiiiiiiise Sue." I was thrilled! (That sounds pathetic - "thrilled" doesn't even begin to describe how excited I was. Maybe the SNL video will enlighten you...and give you a good laugh:
http://www.hulu.com/watch/16388/saturday-night-live-surprise-party)

So now I'm waiting to hear back about financial aid. I'm really desperate for this Durham Teaching Fellowship to come through.

So that's one eclipse.

The other is that I've been coyly pushed towards a certain boy who attends my church. I've been told others have detected a "micro spark" of interest from him. Well, I'm only hoping he can detect a "micro spark" of interest back from me.

I wish there was a way for girls to respectfully pursue shy guys. I want to make myself available, to let him know that I want to get to know him - really. I'd love to have a conversation that goes beyond quoting YouTube videos (as great as those are).

So the eclipse here is from several posts ago (All You Need is Love) and my interest in another guy who didn't even show so much as a "micro spark" of interest in me, to an interest in this guy who is respectful, admirable, kind, sincere, and just a little shy.

Easter Wings (George Herbert)

I wrote this blog post for my Intro to Poetry course. At the suggestion of a dear friend, I have posted it on my own blog for your own edification. I hope it gives you something to think about - the hope of salvation through Christ!



"Easter Wings" by George Herbert

Lord, who created man in wealth and store,
Though foolishly he lost the same,
Decaying more and more
Till he became
Most poor:
With thee
O let me rise
As larks, harmoniously,
And sing this day thy victories:
Then shall the fall further the flight in me.

My tender age in sorrow did begin;
And still with sicknesses and shame
Thou didst so punish sin,
That I became
Most thin.
With thee
Let me combine,
And feel this day thy victory;
For, if I imp my wing on thine,
Affliction shall advance the flight in me.

The religious meaning of George Herbert’s poem “Easter Wings” is evident in the title, content, and form of this poem.

Easter refers to the Christian holiday which celebrates Jesus’ resurrection from the dead. Jesus died on the cross, taking on the sins of the world, and descended into hell for three days, experiencing total separation from God his father. On the third day, Jesus rose again from the dead, thereby conquering sin and death. He ascended into heaven to rejoin his father.

The speaker uses two stanzas to describe two men with the same problem: sin. The first stanza discusses Adam, the second discusses the speaker himself. Adam, when he was created, was placed in the Garden of Eden “Lord, who createdst man in wealth and store”). In Genesis 3, we read that Adam lost the privilege of living in Eden by falling victim to temptation. Thus began his descent into the death and destruction brought about by sin (“decaying more and more/Till he became/Most poor”). The speaker’s life follows the same pattern at the start of the second stanza; however, he begins in a different place. Where Adam was created in perfection, the speaker, suffering the consequences of Adam’s fall, was born into sin (“My tender age in sorrow did begin”). The consequences of his depraved nature are evident in his own decline (“with sicknesses and shame/Thou didst so punish sin,/That I became/Most thin”).

The second halves of each stanza bring the hope of redemption. “With thee,” the signal phrase that marks the transition from death to life, binds the reader to Jesus. Interestingly, in the stanza about Adam, the reader still pleas for mercy on his own behalf, “O let me rise.” The speaker begs the grace of God so that, through Jesus’ resurrection, Jesus’ victory over all sin (therefore “victories”), he might be brought back into relationship with God. In the last line of the first stanza, “Then shall the fall further the flight in me,” “the fall” refers to Jesus’ descent into hell, meaning that through Jesus’ death and subsequent resurrection, the speaker may be brought close to God. In the second stanza, this idea is expressed in the idea of grafting a wing onto Jesus’ wing. The use of the world “affliction” in the last line of this stanza hints at the verse 2 Corinthians 12:9, “But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’” Everything that afflicts, or weakens, the speaker will make him rely all the more on the grace of God for salvation and restoration.

The form of the poem follows the speaker’s line of thought. As the lines become shorter from the beginning to the middle of the stanza, the reader’s eye moves down the page more quickly, representing Adam and the speaker’s descent into sin and death. “With thee” begins the sections of each stanza that bring the speaker out of despair, corresponding with Jesus resurrection. As the speaker lengthens his lines, he soars on the wings of the one who saved him from his sin, Jesus.

Awake My Soul (Caedmon's Call)

I feel like I've just been away from the blog for awhile. And I'm feeling particularly uplifted at the moment. I'd like to document it, just in case things come crashing down around me in the next few days. Not that I'm planning on it, and not that it would negate these good things, but I feel like the tone of the post will be far more encouraging at this point.

And I'd really like to put off any and all reading I have to complete before tomorrow.

I titled this blog after a hymn that I've grown to love (one line in particular) and that we sang in church this morning. I've posted it here for your own benefit, but feel free to skip down if you'd rather just read my musings. (Although, I think the song will be far more spiritually uplifting.)

The image of God invisible, the first born of all life
Before and within, he holds it all in
One name, one faith, one Christ

No one is good enough, to save himself
Awake my soul tonight, to boast nothing else

I trust no other source or name, nowhere else can I hide
This grace gives me fear, and this grace draws me near
And all that it asks it provides

No seam in this garment, all my rags to hide
No less than your love, for Jesus is mine

When I stand on the edges of Jordan
With the saints and the angels beside
When my body is healed, and the glory revealed
Still I can boast only Christ

No one is good enough, to save himself
Awake my soul tonight, to boast nothing else

The line that's my favorite is "this grace draws me near, and all that it asks it provides." I see the ways in which God is providing the grace I need without my own awareness. Let me back up a bit...

A friend from church has really been encouraging me to date this one guy. I'm not opposed, but I feared her encouragement because I know that, as a girl, her egging me on would push me into having feelings for this guy rather than allowing me to discover them for myself. I had an inkling of a crush last year, kind of abandoned it over the summer, and now I'm just wondering. Wondering if he's interested. Wondering if I'm interested. Wondering if we'll ever have a conversation that goes deeper than how his classes are going and the occasional prayer requests shared in group settings.

I asked the advice of a friend at the end of last semester - how should I respond to this friend who is egging me on? How should I approach the potential in this relationship? And he gave me the most sound advice ever - "You have to be in a good place with God before you can even think about pursuing a relationship with this guy, not matter what that entails."

Of course. I should have thought of that.

Well, being home over the break was rough. I found myself falling into temptations because of my own idleness (the topic of our campus minister's most recent sermon). And for all the thought I gave to pursuing boys, God definitely wasn't one of them.

One of my Christmas break epiphanies was the difference between "responsibility" and "discipline." I have always been a responsible person. I do all the homework that needs to be turned in, and usually do it well. I take care of the tasks set before me. And my guilt complex keeps my moral compass pointing mostly north. I think I've always assumed that I'm a diligent person because I pride myself in being an upstanding citizen (that's what all those awards in high school proved, right?). I mean, honesty, integrity, respect, responsibility, perseverance, I had it all! Or so I thought. I remember my 6th grade math teacher yelling at our class for not going home and studying our notes from the day before. She was asking us about triangles, but none of us knew the information because we'd just blindly copied it the day before, not gone home and studied it. And that whole "For every hour you spend in class, you should study 2 outside of class," yeah...never did that. Nor have I been consistent about spending time in the Word and in prayer with God for the past, I dunno, 8 years? I think it all points to something.

Then we had our RUF planning retreat before classes started back. We sat down for our first afternoon session, which our campus minister said would consist of a devotional and a time of prayer. And I was shocked by my reaction - nerves! My gut clenched up and I thought, "I don't want to pray for 45 minutes! I'm not in the right place! I can't do this here with these people!" I was nervous about praying.

What a telling feeling. So I confessed that - during our prayer time, I just confessed that I was prepared to plan for our campus ministry for hours, but wasn't prepared to come before God in all my sin and shame. That was pretty telling. But it was the start of a real change in my relationship with God. He was so good to me - He allowed me to be open as I prayed with my brothers and sisters. He quietly called me to himself. And he began to plant seeds of what I'd like to see happen in my small group during the semester.

(That's a whole other topic - the matter of "what kind of standard can we set for a sinner to lead other sinners in a small group?")

So with the start of the semester came a new vulnerability before God, a new desire to spend time with him, and a new grace in diligence. I found myself able to confess sin before God. I found myself needing to confront a friend, and in the process do business with my own heart. I found myself preparing for small group and looking to pursue my girls in a whole new way. And I rediscovered the joy of the truth of the Gospel that comes just by reading a chapter a day.

And in this, I have found great joy. God has blessed me when I least expected it. I've had a great conversation with one small group member already, been incredibly encouraged by our first small group session together, repaired my relationship with my dear friend, and now I've found success in my studies (keeping up with work) and in my future plans (interview at Wake).

All that God asked was for me to pursue him, and he placed in me the desire to make that happen, and the diligence to follow through.

Now I'm only left wondering about the boy...