I Asked the Lord (John Newton)

I should have known that words so powerfully conveying an experience of brokenness and repentance would come from the man who gave us "Amazing Grace." I just learned this when I looked up the song to give credit in my blog title.

For those of you who are concerned, I hope that this will paint a picture of my experience over the last few weeks. I'm going to use the titular song to walk you through this experience.

1. I asked the Lord that I might grow
In faith and love and every grace
Might more of His salvation know
And seek more earnestly His face

2. Twas He who taught me thus to pray
And He I trust has answered prayer
But it has been in such a way
As almost drove me to despair

3. I hoped that in some favored hour
At once He'd answer my request
And by His love's constraining power
Subdue my sins and give me rest

4. Instead of this He made me feel
The hidden evils of my heart
And let the angry powers of Hell
Assault my soul in every part

5. Yea more with His own hand He seemed
Intent to aggravate my woe
Crossed all the fair designs I schemed,
Cast out my feelings, laid me low

6. Lord why is this, I trembling cried
Wilt Thou pursue thy worm to death?
"Tis in this way" The Lord replied
"I answer prayer for grace and faith"

7. "These inward trials I employ
From self and pride to set thee free
And break thy schemes of earthly joy
That thou mayest seek thy all in me,
That thou mayest seek thy all in me."

So I felt like I was in a terrible place, spiritually, coming into the semester. At the RUF planning retreat, I got a knot in the pit of my stomach when I was told we were going to spend 45 minutes in prayer. Just talking to God. How retarded is that. Well, it indicates my state of being.

But God was gracious to me through that weekend. He brought me around to understanding how he would use me this semester, and he graciously allowed me to get in the habit of spending some time with him every day. It's not the most intellectually stimulating, but it's happening. And I believe God is honoring that (even though it's coming from him in the first place). So I felt like the first half of the semester, I was in a good place, spiritually. And I was continually challenged to ask God for grace and growth. This places me somewhere in the range of that first verse.

The second verse brings me slightly into my recent hardship. Although I want to nuance it. God has been at work in such a way that he didn't let my "spiritual success" continue that way. He has not driven me to despair, well, not at first, but more to a state of brokenness. Coming back from spring break, I felt that I had not rested enough, had not had enough time away from friends to "recuperate" if you will, from the first half of the semester. I am an introvert. I re-energize by spending time by myself. I was denied much of this time because of my opportunities with the band to attend basketball games. (I know, how can I possibly be complaining?! Well...it's not that I'm not grateful...)

As I was reading these lyrics awhile ago, I got to the end of the third verse and just wrote "Yes!"

But God doesn't work the way I want him to; he has his own plan for my life. Which, as Daniel preached tonight, involves sacrifice and fellowship in suffering. God has been revealing "the hidden evils of my heart," which are the "self and pride" addressed in verse 7. I have been selfish, wanting to live according to my own schedule, in my own space, on my own terms. I don't want to be accountable to anyone. I want to be left alone. [Kathy has already called me to the grace that we experience through fellowship, even as simple as having to do the dishes to serve someone. But right now, I don't want a part in that.] My own pride says, "Duke wants me. They're paying me to go to school. I've worked hard for 4 years and now I'm getting the payoff. So forget classes, forget people. I'm ready to move on to this new experience and enjoy the next phase of my life. But God has "crossed all the fair designs I schemed." Mostly through my parents, he's made me not take for granted my accomplishments. He's made me realize that I may have to continue to live with people for awhile. He's made me realize that just because I've been offered a great opportunity doesn't mean he'll let me partake in it. I've been angry, because it seems like every time I talk to my parents, they have some reservation about what's going on. They're thinking economically, but the economy isn't coinciding with my personal wants right now. So I'm growing angry, frustrated, feeling thwarted in all my plans.

Hmm..."Lord why is this, I trembling cried?" I have been reduced to tears, I don't even know how many times this week. This is despair. Where before I faced brokenness, now I'm confronted with my selfishness and pride, being thwarted in all my own attempts, and I'm despairing because God is the last person I'm looking to for a solution.

But as of Sunday, I'm starting to see all this as God's answer to my prayers for "grace and faith." I told Julia on Sunday, "I've seen the ways this past week I've failed as a roommate, as a Bible study leader, in everything." And she simply replied, "Bethany, you always fail as a roommate and a small group leader." I think that's the best thing you've ever said to me, Julia. When we finally hit the bottom, we have two options, we can either look down, and see Jesus on the cross beneath us, having "raced to the bottom" to sacrifice himself on our behalf (Phil. 2:6-11). Or we can look up, and see a loving father beckoning for us to return to himself, to found ourselves in his grace and mercy.

So the 7th verse simply summarizes this place that God has brought me to: he has called me to seek my all in him.

That's a pretty accurate summary of these past few weeks. But if I'm really honest, I'm not prepared to grapple with the reality of this calling. I know what God wants from me: to give up thinking about myself - to think economically and consider living with a roommate, to think relationally and stop sulking around my roommates and friends, to think Biblically and realize that all my best accomplishments are nothing more than a pile of shit (Phil. 3:8).

So I ask for prayer. Frankly, I know that praying along these lines means I have to give up my selfishness, which I really want to hold on to right now. So I need prayer on my behalf. Please intercede for me. My head can tell me that's what I need even while my heart rebels.

Every comment seems like a personal attack. I'm sick of this place, but I'm not pleased with myself that I'm so ready to be done. It's a bittersweet feeling. I'm being torn apart. I know I have to exist in this place until May 10th. And I don't want it to be a miserable experience. But I don't care about my classes. I'm worn out being with people. I'm tired of being accountable to people. And I've cried more in the last week than in the last year. I'm unhappy. And I don't want to stay that way, but it's an uphill battle that I'm losing right now. Selfishly, I really just want to be left alone.

I know that this is a problem spiritually. I know that.

My thoughts are constantly with my plans for next year, which still seem to be up in the air despite my certainty as to what I want. I guess I just hate living, because I'm sick and tired of having to think about money all the time, I'm sick of being accountable to people for things - stupid things like social events for Teaching Fellows. I'm 22 years old. I don't want you to tell me that I have to try to be friends with these people when I will never speak to them again.

But that's not at all realistic because there's always red tape, nothing is free, and someone else will always be my boss.

Yeah selfish.

I don't care.

Total Eclipse of the Heart (Bonnie Tyler)

I think I've been a little bipolar of late. In two ways - stress stuff, and relationship stuff.

Stress stuff:
Most of last week, I felt like an absolute downer. At the end of Dance Marathon, I bawled. I couldn't believe that something that has been part of my life for 4 years was over. It was the first time I felt like I was saying good-bye to something I love, something that has been an intrinsic part of my experience at UNC.

Then I went to RUF the following Tuesday, and realized that the leadership in RUF is changing. I was the only Senior at our last leadership meeting. I used to be on the praise team. I'm not doing it now because of scheduling reasons, but it just feels like a whole new group is leading it. Like I'm just visiting now - tagging along until the end.

I did absolutely NO homework last week. None. I just decided I wasn't going to, no matter the consequences. Is that me? I really must be sick. (With a little something called Senioritis.)

Finally on Friday, I broke down. I lost it. I found out that someone else had gotten an extension for their deposit to UNC with a simple e-mail, while I got the run-around from the program. I was insulted. I felt disrespected. And after talking to my dad, I collapsed in a heap on my bed not wanting to do anything. What was the deal?

After talking to my mom, I realized that there's a lot more stress in my life than I give myself credit for dealing with. I'm getting ready to graduate - I AM leaving something that has been precious to me for the past 4 years. And right now, my future is unknown. That's stressful! I've always known what I've wanted, I've always been able to make it happen, and I've usually been able to make it happen early. What's up with this waiting game?

So with the acknowledgment that my life is stressful right now, I started to feel a little better. That and a trip to the grocery to get ice cream (Edy's was on sale after all!!!) and plans to see High School Musical 3 with Danielle all started to make me feel a little better.

Then I got an e-mail. It told me that the decision about my application to Duke was available online. I was practically shaking. But somehow I got myself in - logged in to my application and in to the MAT program!!!

Talk about a "total eclipse of the heart." I went from being Debbie Downer to "Surpriiiiiiiiiiise Sue." I was thrilled! (That sounds pathetic - "thrilled" doesn't even begin to describe how excited I was. Maybe the SNL video will enlighten you...and give you a good laugh:
http://www.hulu.com/watch/16388/saturday-night-live-surprise-party)

So now I'm waiting to hear back about financial aid. I'm really desperate for this Durham Teaching Fellowship to come through.

So that's one eclipse.

The other is that I've been coyly pushed towards a certain boy who attends my church. I've been told others have detected a "micro spark" of interest from him. Well, I'm only hoping he can detect a "micro spark" of interest back from me.

I wish there was a way for girls to respectfully pursue shy guys. I want to make myself available, to let him know that I want to get to know him - really. I'd love to have a conversation that goes beyond quoting YouTube videos (as great as those are).

So the eclipse here is from several posts ago (All You Need is Love) and my interest in another guy who didn't even show so much as a "micro spark" of interest in me, to an interest in this guy who is respectful, admirable, kind, sincere, and just a little shy.

Easter Wings (George Herbert)

I wrote this blog post for my Intro to Poetry course. At the suggestion of a dear friend, I have posted it on my own blog for your own edification. I hope it gives you something to think about - the hope of salvation through Christ!



"Easter Wings" by George Herbert

Lord, who created man in wealth and store,
Though foolishly he lost the same,
Decaying more and more
Till he became
Most poor:
With thee
O let me rise
As larks, harmoniously,
And sing this day thy victories:
Then shall the fall further the flight in me.

My tender age in sorrow did begin;
And still with sicknesses and shame
Thou didst so punish sin,
That I became
Most thin.
With thee
Let me combine,
And feel this day thy victory;
For, if I imp my wing on thine,
Affliction shall advance the flight in me.

The religious meaning of George Herbert’s poem “Easter Wings” is evident in the title, content, and form of this poem.

Easter refers to the Christian holiday which celebrates Jesus’ resurrection from the dead. Jesus died on the cross, taking on the sins of the world, and descended into hell for three days, experiencing total separation from God his father. On the third day, Jesus rose again from the dead, thereby conquering sin and death. He ascended into heaven to rejoin his father.

The speaker uses two stanzas to describe two men with the same problem: sin. The first stanza discusses Adam, the second discusses the speaker himself. Adam, when he was created, was placed in the Garden of Eden “Lord, who createdst man in wealth and store”). In Genesis 3, we read that Adam lost the privilege of living in Eden by falling victim to temptation. Thus began his descent into the death and destruction brought about by sin (“decaying more and more/Till he became/Most poor”). The speaker’s life follows the same pattern at the start of the second stanza; however, he begins in a different place. Where Adam was created in perfection, the speaker, suffering the consequences of Adam’s fall, was born into sin (“My tender age in sorrow did begin”). The consequences of his depraved nature are evident in his own decline (“with sicknesses and shame/Thou didst so punish sin,/That I became/Most thin”).

The second halves of each stanza bring the hope of redemption. “With thee,” the signal phrase that marks the transition from death to life, binds the reader to Jesus. Interestingly, in the stanza about Adam, the reader still pleas for mercy on his own behalf, “O let me rise.” The speaker begs the grace of God so that, through Jesus’ resurrection, Jesus’ victory over all sin (therefore “victories”), he might be brought back into relationship with God. In the last line of the first stanza, “Then shall the fall further the flight in me,” “the fall” refers to Jesus’ descent into hell, meaning that through Jesus’ death and subsequent resurrection, the speaker may be brought close to God. In the second stanza, this idea is expressed in the idea of grafting a wing onto Jesus’ wing. The use of the world “affliction” in the last line of this stanza hints at the verse 2 Corinthians 12:9, “But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’” Everything that afflicts, or weakens, the speaker will make him rely all the more on the grace of God for salvation and restoration.

The form of the poem follows the speaker’s line of thought. As the lines become shorter from the beginning to the middle of the stanza, the reader’s eye moves down the page more quickly, representing Adam and the speaker’s descent into sin and death. “With thee” begins the sections of each stanza that bring the speaker out of despair, corresponding with Jesus resurrection. As the speaker lengthens his lines, he soars on the wings of the one who saved him from his sin, Jesus.

Awake My Soul (Caedmon's Call)

I feel like I've just been away from the blog for awhile. And I'm feeling particularly uplifted at the moment. I'd like to document it, just in case things come crashing down around me in the next few days. Not that I'm planning on it, and not that it would negate these good things, but I feel like the tone of the post will be far more encouraging at this point.

And I'd really like to put off any and all reading I have to complete before tomorrow.

I titled this blog after a hymn that I've grown to love (one line in particular) and that we sang in church this morning. I've posted it here for your own benefit, but feel free to skip down if you'd rather just read my musings. (Although, I think the song will be far more spiritually uplifting.)

The image of God invisible, the first born of all life
Before and within, he holds it all in
One name, one faith, one Christ

No one is good enough, to save himself
Awake my soul tonight, to boast nothing else

I trust no other source or name, nowhere else can I hide
This grace gives me fear, and this grace draws me near
And all that it asks it provides

No seam in this garment, all my rags to hide
No less than your love, for Jesus is mine

When I stand on the edges of Jordan
With the saints and the angels beside
When my body is healed, and the glory revealed
Still I can boast only Christ

No one is good enough, to save himself
Awake my soul tonight, to boast nothing else

The line that's my favorite is "this grace draws me near, and all that it asks it provides." I see the ways in which God is providing the grace I need without my own awareness. Let me back up a bit...

A friend from church has really been encouraging me to date this one guy. I'm not opposed, but I feared her encouragement because I know that, as a girl, her egging me on would push me into having feelings for this guy rather than allowing me to discover them for myself. I had an inkling of a crush last year, kind of abandoned it over the summer, and now I'm just wondering. Wondering if he's interested. Wondering if I'm interested. Wondering if we'll ever have a conversation that goes deeper than how his classes are going and the occasional prayer requests shared in group settings.

I asked the advice of a friend at the end of last semester - how should I respond to this friend who is egging me on? How should I approach the potential in this relationship? And he gave me the most sound advice ever - "You have to be in a good place with God before you can even think about pursuing a relationship with this guy, not matter what that entails."

Of course. I should have thought of that.

Well, being home over the break was rough. I found myself falling into temptations because of my own idleness (the topic of our campus minister's most recent sermon). And for all the thought I gave to pursuing boys, God definitely wasn't one of them.

One of my Christmas break epiphanies was the difference between "responsibility" and "discipline." I have always been a responsible person. I do all the homework that needs to be turned in, and usually do it well. I take care of the tasks set before me. And my guilt complex keeps my moral compass pointing mostly north. I think I've always assumed that I'm a diligent person because I pride myself in being an upstanding citizen (that's what all those awards in high school proved, right?). I mean, honesty, integrity, respect, responsibility, perseverance, I had it all! Or so I thought. I remember my 6th grade math teacher yelling at our class for not going home and studying our notes from the day before. She was asking us about triangles, but none of us knew the information because we'd just blindly copied it the day before, not gone home and studied it. And that whole "For every hour you spend in class, you should study 2 outside of class," yeah...never did that. Nor have I been consistent about spending time in the Word and in prayer with God for the past, I dunno, 8 years? I think it all points to something.

Then we had our RUF planning retreat before classes started back. We sat down for our first afternoon session, which our campus minister said would consist of a devotional and a time of prayer. And I was shocked by my reaction - nerves! My gut clenched up and I thought, "I don't want to pray for 45 minutes! I'm not in the right place! I can't do this here with these people!" I was nervous about praying.

What a telling feeling. So I confessed that - during our prayer time, I just confessed that I was prepared to plan for our campus ministry for hours, but wasn't prepared to come before God in all my sin and shame. That was pretty telling. But it was the start of a real change in my relationship with God. He was so good to me - He allowed me to be open as I prayed with my brothers and sisters. He quietly called me to himself. And he began to plant seeds of what I'd like to see happen in my small group during the semester.

(That's a whole other topic - the matter of "what kind of standard can we set for a sinner to lead other sinners in a small group?")

So with the start of the semester came a new vulnerability before God, a new desire to spend time with him, and a new grace in diligence. I found myself able to confess sin before God. I found myself needing to confront a friend, and in the process do business with my own heart. I found myself preparing for small group and looking to pursue my girls in a whole new way. And I rediscovered the joy of the truth of the Gospel that comes just by reading a chapter a day.

And in this, I have found great joy. God has blessed me when I least expected it. I've had a great conversation with one small group member already, been incredibly encouraged by our first small group session together, repaired my relationship with my dear friend, and now I've found success in my studies (keeping up with work) and in my future plans (interview at Wake).

All that God asked was for me to pursue him, and he placed in me the desire to make that happen, and the diligence to follow through.

Now I'm only left wondering about the boy...

All You Need Is Love (The Beatles)

I just wanted to point out how pathetic I am. Based on the advice I got from a friend and mentor of mine, I started to make a list of those traits I am looking for in a mate. I want to be careful not to make this criteria to put on a check list, but to give me a sense of the type of person I really want to spend the rest of my life with, and therefore the type of person I should consider dating.

The first item on my list is love. Ephesians 5:25 commands "Husbands, love your wives..." I want to date and marry someone who is truly attracted to me - crazy about me - more so than I am about him.

So why is it that I am still crushing on a guy who hasn't shown me the slightest interest?

Pathetic.

Pick a Little, Talk a Little (The Music Man)

I wish I was a nicer person. The kind who thinks of others before herself. Who is genuinely more concerned with listening to them than with answering reciprocally.