Closing Time (Semisonic)

Closing time...every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.

I had a conversation with my dad after the last blog post I wrote. He simply stated, "You're in a new season of life." It hadn't occurred to me til that time the difference in the two seasons. I'm still in school, but grad school, and my program in particular, is a completely different beast.

In undergrad, I took for granted that I could walk across campus and see someone I knew. That I could set up a time to meet for lunch and then stay connected with people during the week. That I'd see people at least 3 times if they went to church, RUF, and small group with me. In my day to day life, I see people who truly know once a week. Maybe twice if I'm lucky. I'm living with new people, not strangers, but not close friends. I'm surrounded by the world of education, which is not full of Believers with the same presuppositions. My schedule is even prohibitive when it comes to joining a small group. Two weeks I've had stuff that prevented me from going to the women's small group through church. Anyone who truly knows me knows that that's not like me. When I commit, I'm committed. I'm a regular attender, come ruin or rapture.

Who is this person?!

I'm also forced to deal with the question, are some of my feelings linked to depression? Do I need to go talk to someone? The stress. The loneliness. No, not just loneliness. Isolation. Is this just the nature of my "new season?" And if it is, what can I do to survive in it?

Closing time...every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.

Lonely (Bobby Vinton/Akon)

I had a picnic in the arboretum today with a group of my closest friends from RUF. From last year.

Today, I sat in that circle, and felt totally lost. I didn't know what was going on in anybody's lives. They had no idea what was going on in mind. They didn't spend time catching up with "so how're classes going?" amongst each other. But I was asked by 3 different people, "How's teaching going," "What are the best and worst experiences you've had in teaching thus far," and "How's life as an adult?" They didn't know what questions to ask about my life, and I didn't know what to ask about theirs.

So I sat there. I observed. I was generally entertained by their merriment. But I felt like an observer. I felt like a guest. Even some of the freshmen were better integrated than I was. I felt lonely.

To a certain extent, that's the way it should be. They should be invested in each other's lives, spending time together, talking to each other on a regular basis so that the niceties are no longer necessary. And I should be in a separate world. I live in a different city, I'm living a completely different lifestyle, and I never make any time to spend with them, so it's the logical conclusion.

But then I realized, I'm not making many connections with other people. Not other Christians, anyway. I have the folks in my program, the girls in my house, but I'm isolated from Christian fellowship during the week. I was going to try to go to the women's Bible study at my church in the evenings, but for the last two weeks, it just hasn't been feasible with my schedule. Am I dangerously isolated? Or is this just a season in my life with less friends? I'm not sure.

Part of it is that my two closest friends have been out of town the last three weekends (wow, both of them for the same weekends - I just put that together). Things will feel different when they're back again. But does that make this lonely feeling okay? Is it excusable?

I honestly don't know if I'm doing this to myself, if I should be concerned, or if this is just a season in my life when I'll be a little disconnected. No idea.

Wonder (Chris Rice)

Started thinking about heaven.

If it's the "new heavens and the new earth," then in what ways will it resemble this one? Will I still have the option to live on 9th Street in Durham, NC? Will I still live in a 5 bedroom house with a 32" TV? Will the cable ever go out? Will there even be cable guys? Will I pay the cable guy for his work? When the cable guy slams the door of his truck, will it startle me? Will 9th Street be paved with gold? Will I still be a teacher? Will the Biscuit King still be a broken down building not fit to house a business? Or will someone come along and spruce it up? Will the "limited atonement" fix the over-population problem? Or will there always be enough space, just like there was always enough fish? Will we just do away with a capitalist system? Or will that capitalist system just function without corruption?

Will our lives function basically as they do now for all eternity? Only better? Righteous? And all for God's glory? What will Moses do on 9th Street? What will 9th Street be like in the time of the Second Coming?

These are big questions.

My brain hurts.

Crush (David Archuleta)

I'm obsessed with Harry Potter right now. I saw HP and the HBP twice in 24 hours. What's wrong with me?

Well, nothing per se.

But I do feel as if I'm in one of those "2 steps forward, 1 step back" kind of situations.

I love the humanity of the latest HP film. The kids have grown up (the actors are now actual adults). This movie lost some of the melodrama in favor of reality. I got butterflies in my stomach when Harry and Ginny finally kissed. And why wouldn't I? You could see the look on his face in every shot - "is it really just another crush?" The teenage aspect of this story is adorable. Well-played, I think the actors have finally achieved an effective chemistry on screen.

But I walked away feeling all warm and fuzzy for Harry and Ginny, and feeling very sorry for myself. Compounded by the fact that my roommate's boyfriend is visiting for the weekend.

I find myself analyzes all my current relationships with males in hopes that one of them will yield a date in the near future. Why?! To what end?! If I still want that "Yes! Of course!" effect, then I need to sit back and be patient.

It's easier said than done at this point. I want what (it seems like) everyone else has.

Pray for me.

I Feel Good (James Brown)

I went to GSW today for Alumni Day to visit my girls (and, incidentally, the faculty from this year). I was a little apprehensive about going. And hour in the car gives you a lot of time to think, and I wondered if I would have been better off staying at home and reading for class, even though that's all I've done lately.

But it was so right.

I saw two of my girls and they came running at me and gave me hugs. Then I stopped by the office and got my picture taken so I can be in the Summerbook. Then I chilled with the faculty for a bit. And then it happened. My girls came out of their meeting towards main campus. As soon as they caught sight of me, they let out a collective squeal and then *sprinted* across the quad to give me hugs. It was glorious! 8 of them, one right after the other! (They say you need 7 hugs a day to be healthy? This was the healthiest day of my life :)

It was really awesome to see my girls again. I had a great time. They had a great time with each other. And I couldn't help but wonder if I had a bit of a hand in bringing these girls together. After all, I did sit out on the hall and chat with them that first night ;)

In all seriousness, seeing them interact with each other and having the opportunity to interact with them again made me feel so confident about this coming year. So many teachers are like "I'm so young, what if they don't respect me?" I'm like "Bring it on y'all, I survived high school!" I love these kids. I love this age. And it's gratifying to see evidence of how well I interact with people this age. (Not that all my kids will be polite, intelligent GSW material.)

I was also excited to see my interaction with the TACs. They were all glad to see me back! I only spent 2 weeks with them, but I got all kinds of hugs from them too! A huge part of me wishes I was still there. But it's nice to spend some time away and really be missed, rather than come back and have people be like "what is she doing here again?" I even had a couple people promise that they would play water polo if I came back next week! How special is that?!

Anyway, I feel good. I just hope I can apply all this positive energy to make up for lost time and put a huge dent in my homework tonight :)

When Did You Fall (Chris Rice)

I'm kind of obsessed with relationships right now, can you tell? This song is about (I assume) a guy who finally realizes how he feels about a girl, and that she's felt this way about him for awhile. He's wondering what he missed along the way...

I think it's adorable. And I'm delighted to say that it's kind of like the story of a friend. She recently started dating someone who she's known for a long time, but only in the past year or so really became close to and started dating. (It's the best story!)

It's sort of what I always envisioned for myself. I had a crush for 6 years in middle and high school. I always expected this guy to figure out, "Oh wait, this girl is fantastic! What took me so long to figure it out?!" Well...that didn't happen. He went off in the military, I went off to school, I realized how much we both changed, and now he's engaged to a girl he met online.

The really beautiful thing about this new couple, though, is the way they're being totally open, honest, and intentional about maintaining a respectful, respectable, Christ-centered/honoring relationship. They want to conduct themselves in such a way that if they every break up, they'll both be the better for the experience (and won't cause any tension between their families). So they're going to read the Bible together. They're not going to kiss. And they're keeping open lines of communication.

I've often wondered how one goes about having a "Christ-centered" relationship. As if it's some secret goal that I will have in my relationship and I'll spend my time apart thinking about how I can steer us in that direction. But it shouldn't be like that at all! If anything, I've heard it said over and over, the person you are in a relationship with should be your best friend. They should know what's wrong before you even say anything. There's no hiding your motives, intentions, and struggles. So it's not like this game that Christian couples need to play with each other. It's a concentrated effort that needs to be made. Hmm...maybe like all other aspects of the Christian walk.

I'm just excited for this couple. It's been a blessing already to see the way they've conducted themselves. It's ideal, from my viewpoint. It's what I want. So of course, I'm thrilled for my friend.

I also want to share that God has been at work in me lately. He's been drawing me to Himself. For some reason (not because of any particular guilt- or spiritually-driven endeavor on my part), I have had consistent devotions for the past week. I'm *finally* getting around to diving into a study of the fear of the Lord. What does this mean? What does a healthy fear of the Lord look like?

I'm realizing that God brings me close to him when he knows that I'll be tried. (Hmm...I'll have to look out for that.) I had my best devotions during my 6 weeks at Governor's School. I needed to cling to God at that point. And as I look at my work load and realize how overwhelming this year will be, I'm realizing that I will need to cling to God now again. (When have I NOT needed to cling to Him?!)

I'm thrilled. I'm invigorated. I'm glad to share it with people. I'm content with the work He is doing. And I'm keeping my eyes peeled for the adventures he has in store for me.

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun (Cyndi Lauper)

I have to process some of the stuff that just happened in class.

We talked about gender. A favorite topic for educators today. How does gender play out in the classroom? How do we reinforce gender stereotypes? Are teachers sexist?

Here's the thing. I believe that there are inherent differences in males and females. There. It goes back to Genesis. "It is not good for man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him." (Gen. 2:18) Males and females have different anatomy, physiology, body chemistry, DESIGN! Adam was designed to care for the garden; Eve was designed to help him.

From a 21st century viewpoint, this is unfair. It's unjust. It's unequal. *BUT!* But but but! "You are all sons of God through faith in Jesus Christ." (Gal. 3:26) So there IS equality of value in dissimilar designs.

Okay, with that understanding...I think men and women probably learn differently. We have different designs, we have different natural dispositions (probably not a "correct" psychology term), we have different modes of functioning.

In the same way, among groups of females, we have different designs, different natural dispositions, different modes of functioning. The same is true for males.

We read this case study for class. Students are learning the respiratory system. There's a computer program that takes students on a tour of the system, and then simulates the function of the respiratory system - so students can learn the parts, and see it work. Great. This case study puts forth 3 pairs of students, all male/female pairs. In each pair, the male is doing the activity on the computer, and the female is recording their findings on a worksheet. The case study goes on to represent the bickering between these pairs. "No, you got that wrong." "You're scrolling too fast!" Etc. - - - The case study picks up the next day: Did students actually learn the material? 6 students' responses are recorded, 2 are female, all are correct. Only 1 of the students was depicted doing the work the day before.

The book goes on to ask questions: "Ms. McNaught ignores the students' bickering in the lab. Is this a good strategy? Why or why not?" and "In what ways are male and female students in Ms. McNaught's class having different educational experiences?"

We talked about this for awhile in class today. Studies show that there are discrepancies in the way males and females are treated in class. Teachers call on males more. They address males' questions more often. Teachers write different types of comments on students' papers (on a female paper: great handwriting and style, on a male paper: great content). Now this just seems absurd and problematic to me.

However, it also seems like it's not the whole picture. I sat there for the entire class period thinking, "if I was a student in this class, I would have been taking the notes, I may have bickered with my partner, and I don't think I would've answered one of the questions in class the next day. But that's me!"

I find it interesting that we focus on the male/female distinction without regard to, "Do these individual females simply prefer note-taking?"

I also find it hypocritical that we talked about personality assessments, particularly the differences between introverts and extroverts and the tendency for introverts to let everyone have their say before speaking up in class, but then ignored that factor in discussing the case study. Isn't it possible that the 3 pairs we saw could have just been pairs of introverts and extroverts! Or they could have been pairs of all introverts, which is why only 1 of them spoke up on class the next day!

The thing that drove me nuts all through college and my teaching fellows classes was the tendency to boil things down to one particular issue. "X is the factor that is at work here. We need to understand it in these terms." But Eve wasn't designed just to be a helper. Her anatomy enables her to be a mother. Her human nature enables her to be a companion. Her status as "created being" allows her to be a worshiper. When we discuss a case study like this from the 1 point of view, we miss out on all the other diversity! Diverse learners, diverse practitioners.

I get so fed up with "learning" about a single perspective and then viewing something with *that* perspective rather than taking a comprehensive approach.

Maybe I'm just pissed because I felt discriminated against as an individual who would have been perfectly content to function in that classroom setting, still probably would have understood the material, and would be happy! "Oh, but we need to encourage exploration so that students don't 'foreclose' their identities." What if a student has found his or her identity? What if that was it?

It's not fair because one case study doesn't represent a year of work in a classroom and the plethora of learning environments that classroom and student combination can create. It's not fair because thinking of "gender stereotyping" as bad doesn't allow for those folks who actually fit the bill. It's not fair because we are sinful.



On a side note, one of the comments made about males vs. females is that when they perform poorly on, say, a math test, the males tend to blame the teacher and the females tend to blame themselves.

I went to my instructor to talk about a discussion I have to lead this Thursday. I hadn't read at all, hadn't prepared anything, just wanted to touch base with her. She says "Well, it would have been helpful if you'd done the reading..." What's my reaction? "Crap, I've done it again. Approached a professor in ignorance because I didn't prioritize things this weekend. Now she thinks I'm stupid and ill-prepared when really I'm a good student."

I think, with her permission, I'm going to try to be pissed at her. But I don't even know how I can rationally do that.

Was her behavior at all sexist?

I think it'd be a bullshit conversation to have, but she'd probably love it.