Closing time...every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.
I had a conversation with my dad after the last blog post I wrote. He simply stated, "You're in a new season of life." It hadn't occurred to me til that time the difference in the two seasons. I'm still in school, but grad school, and my program in particular, is a completely different beast.
In undergrad, I took for granted that I could walk across campus and see someone I knew. That I could set up a time to meet for lunch and then stay connected with people during the week. That I'd see people at least 3 times if they went to church, RUF, and small group with me. In my day to day life, I see people who truly know once a week. Maybe twice if I'm lucky. I'm living with new people, not strangers, but not close friends. I'm surrounded by the world of education, which is not full of Believers with the same presuppositions. My schedule is even prohibitive when it comes to joining a small group. Two weeks I've had stuff that prevented me from going to the women's small group through church. Anyone who truly knows me knows that that's not like me. When I commit, I'm committed. I'm a regular attender, come ruin or rapture.
Who is this person?!
I'm also forced to deal with the question, are some of my feelings linked to depression? Do I need to go talk to someone? The stress. The loneliness. No, not just loneliness. Isolation. Is this just the nature of my "new season?" And if it is, what can I do to survive in it?
Closing time...every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Lonely (Bobby Vinton/Akon)
I had a picnic in the arboretum today with a group of my closest friends from RUF. From last year.
Today, I sat in that circle, and felt totally lost. I didn't know what was going on in anybody's lives. They had no idea what was going on in mind. They didn't spend time catching up with "so how're classes going?" amongst each other. But I was asked by 3 different people, "How's teaching going," "What are the best and worst experiences you've had in teaching thus far," and "How's life as an adult?" They didn't know what questions to ask about my life, and I didn't know what to ask about theirs.
So I sat there. I observed. I was generally entertained by their merriment. But I felt like an observer. I felt like a guest. Even some of the freshmen were better integrated than I was. I felt lonely.
To a certain extent, that's the way it should be. They should be invested in each other's lives, spending time together, talking to each other on a regular basis so that the niceties are no longer necessary. And I should be in a separate world. I live in a different city, I'm living a completely different lifestyle, and I never make any time to spend with them, so it's the logical conclusion.
But then I realized, I'm not making many connections with other people. Not other Christians, anyway. I have the folks in my program, the girls in my house, but I'm isolated from Christian fellowship during the week. I was going to try to go to the women's Bible study at my church in the evenings, but for the last two weeks, it just hasn't been feasible with my schedule. Am I dangerously isolated? Or is this just a season in my life with less friends? I'm not sure.
Part of it is that my two closest friends have been out of town the last three weekends (wow, both of them for the same weekends - I just put that together). Things will feel different when they're back again. But does that make this lonely feeling okay? Is it excusable?
I honestly don't know if I'm doing this to myself, if I should be concerned, or if this is just a season in my life when I'll be a little disconnected. No idea.
Today, I sat in that circle, and felt totally lost. I didn't know what was going on in anybody's lives. They had no idea what was going on in mind. They didn't spend time catching up with "so how're classes going?" amongst each other. But I was asked by 3 different people, "How's teaching going," "What are the best and worst experiences you've had in teaching thus far," and "How's life as an adult?" They didn't know what questions to ask about my life, and I didn't know what to ask about theirs.
So I sat there. I observed. I was generally entertained by their merriment. But I felt like an observer. I felt like a guest. Even some of the freshmen were better integrated than I was. I felt lonely.
To a certain extent, that's the way it should be. They should be invested in each other's lives, spending time together, talking to each other on a regular basis so that the niceties are no longer necessary. And I should be in a separate world. I live in a different city, I'm living a completely different lifestyle, and I never make any time to spend with them, so it's the logical conclusion.
But then I realized, I'm not making many connections with other people. Not other Christians, anyway. I have the folks in my program, the girls in my house, but I'm isolated from Christian fellowship during the week. I was going to try to go to the women's Bible study at my church in the evenings, but for the last two weeks, it just hasn't been feasible with my schedule. Am I dangerously isolated? Or is this just a season in my life with less friends? I'm not sure.
Part of it is that my two closest friends have been out of town the last three weekends (wow, both of them for the same weekends - I just put that together). Things will feel different when they're back again. But does that make this lonely feeling okay? Is it excusable?
I honestly don't know if I'm doing this to myself, if I should be concerned, or if this is just a season in my life when I'll be a little disconnected. No idea.
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