I Asked the Lord (John Newton)

I should have known that words so powerfully conveying an experience of brokenness and repentance would come from the man who gave us "Amazing Grace." I just learned this when I looked up the song to give credit in my blog title.

For those of you who are concerned, I hope that this will paint a picture of my experience over the last few weeks. I'm going to use the titular song to walk you through this experience.

1. I asked the Lord that I might grow
In faith and love and every grace
Might more of His salvation know
And seek more earnestly His face

2. Twas He who taught me thus to pray
And He I trust has answered prayer
But it has been in such a way
As almost drove me to despair

3. I hoped that in some favored hour
At once He'd answer my request
And by His love's constraining power
Subdue my sins and give me rest

4. Instead of this He made me feel
The hidden evils of my heart
And let the angry powers of Hell
Assault my soul in every part

5. Yea more with His own hand He seemed
Intent to aggravate my woe
Crossed all the fair designs I schemed,
Cast out my feelings, laid me low

6. Lord why is this, I trembling cried
Wilt Thou pursue thy worm to death?
"Tis in this way" The Lord replied
"I answer prayer for grace and faith"

7. "These inward trials I employ
From self and pride to set thee free
And break thy schemes of earthly joy
That thou mayest seek thy all in me,
That thou mayest seek thy all in me."

So I felt like I was in a terrible place, spiritually, coming into the semester. At the RUF planning retreat, I got a knot in the pit of my stomach when I was told we were going to spend 45 minutes in prayer. Just talking to God. How retarded is that. Well, it indicates my state of being.

But God was gracious to me through that weekend. He brought me around to understanding how he would use me this semester, and he graciously allowed me to get in the habit of spending some time with him every day. It's not the most intellectually stimulating, but it's happening. And I believe God is honoring that (even though it's coming from him in the first place). So I felt like the first half of the semester, I was in a good place, spiritually. And I was continually challenged to ask God for grace and growth. This places me somewhere in the range of that first verse.

The second verse brings me slightly into my recent hardship. Although I want to nuance it. God has been at work in such a way that he didn't let my "spiritual success" continue that way. He has not driven me to despair, well, not at first, but more to a state of brokenness. Coming back from spring break, I felt that I had not rested enough, had not had enough time away from friends to "recuperate" if you will, from the first half of the semester. I am an introvert. I re-energize by spending time by myself. I was denied much of this time because of my opportunities with the band to attend basketball games. (I know, how can I possibly be complaining?! Well...it's not that I'm not grateful...)

As I was reading these lyrics awhile ago, I got to the end of the third verse and just wrote "Yes!"

But God doesn't work the way I want him to; he has his own plan for my life. Which, as Daniel preached tonight, involves sacrifice and fellowship in suffering. God has been revealing "the hidden evils of my heart," which are the "self and pride" addressed in verse 7. I have been selfish, wanting to live according to my own schedule, in my own space, on my own terms. I don't want to be accountable to anyone. I want to be left alone. [Kathy has already called me to the grace that we experience through fellowship, even as simple as having to do the dishes to serve someone. But right now, I don't want a part in that.] My own pride says, "Duke wants me. They're paying me to go to school. I've worked hard for 4 years and now I'm getting the payoff. So forget classes, forget people. I'm ready to move on to this new experience and enjoy the next phase of my life. But God has "crossed all the fair designs I schemed." Mostly through my parents, he's made me not take for granted my accomplishments. He's made me realize that I may have to continue to live with people for awhile. He's made me realize that just because I've been offered a great opportunity doesn't mean he'll let me partake in it. I've been angry, because it seems like every time I talk to my parents, they have some reservation about what's going on. They're thinking economically, but the economy isn't coinciding with my personal wants right now. So I'm growing angry, frustrated, feeling thwarted in all my plans.

Hmm..."Lord why is this, I trembling cried?" I have been reduced to tears, I don't even know how many times this week. This is despair. Where before I faced brokenness, now I'm confronted with my selfishness and pride, being thwarted in all my own attempts, and I'm despairing because God is the last person I'm looking to for a solution.

But as of Sunday, I'm starting to see all this as God's answer to my prayers for "grace and faith." I told Julia on Sunday, "I've seen the ways this past week I've failed as a roommate, as a Bible study leader, in everything." And she simply replied, "Bethany, you always fail as a roommate and a small group leader." I think that's the best thing you've ever said to me, Julia. When we finally hit the bottom, we have two options, we can either look down, and see Jesus on the cross beneath us, having "raced to the bottom" to sacrifice himself on our behalf (Phil. 2:6-11). Or we can look up, and see a loving father beckoning for us to return to himself, to found ourselves in his grace and mercy.

So the 7th verse simply summarizes this place that God has brought me to: he has called me to seek my all in him.

That's a pretty accurate summary of these past few weeks. But if I'm really honest, I'm not prepared to grapple with the reality of this calling. I know what God wants from me: to give up thinking about myself - to think economically and consider living with a roommate, to think relationally and stop sulking around my roommates and friends, to think Biblically and realize that all my best accomplishments are nothing more than a pile of shit (Phil. 3:8).

So I ask for prayer. Frankly, I know that praying along these lines means I have to give up my selfishness, which I really want to hold on to right now. So I need prayer on my behalf. Please intercede for me. My head can tell me that's what I need even while my heart rebels.

Every comment seems like a personal attack. I'm sick of this place, but I'm not pleased with myself that I'm so ready to be done. It's a bittersweet feeling. I'm being torn apart. I know I have to exist in this place until May 10th. And I don't want it to be a miserable experience. But I don't care about my classes. I'm worn out being with people. I'm tired of being accountable to people. And I've cried more in the last week than in the last year. I'm unhappy. And I don't want to stay that way, but it's an uphill battle that I'm losing right now. Selfishly, I really just want to be left alone.

I know that this is a problem spiritually. I know that.

My thoughts are constantly with my plans for next year, which still seem to be up in the air despite my certainty as to what I want. I guess I just hate living, because I'm sick and tired of having to think about money all the time, I'm sick of being accountable to people for things - stupid things like social events for Teaching Fellows. I'm 22 years old. I don't want you to tell me that I have to try to be friends with these people when I will never speak to them again.

But that's not at all realistic because there's always red tape, nothing is free, and someone else will always be my boss.

Yeah selfish.

I don't care.

Total Eclipse of the Heart (Bonnie Tyler)

I think I've been a little bipolar of late. In two ways - stress stuff, and relationship stuff.

Stress stuff:
Most of last week, I felt like an absolute downer. At the end of Dance Marathon, I bawled. I couldn't believe that something that has been part of my life for 4 years was over. It was the first time I felt like I was saying good-bye to something I love, something that has been an intrinsic part of my experience at UNC.

Then I went to RUF the following Tuesday, and realized that the leadership in RUF is changing. I was the only Senior at our last leadership meeting. I used to be on the praise team. I'm not doing it now because of scheduling reasons, but it just feels like a whole new group is leading it. Like I'm just visiting now - tagging along until the end.

I did absolutely NO homework last week. None. I just decided I wasn't going to, no matter the consequences. Is that me? I really must be sick. (With a little something called Senioritis.)

Finally on Friday, I broke down. I lost it. I found out that someone else had gotten an extension for their deposit to UNC with a simple e-mail, while I got the run-around from the program. I was insulted. I felt disrespected. And after talking to my dad, I collapsed in a heap on my bed not wanting to do anything. What was the deal?

After talking to my mom, I realized that there's a lot more stress in my life than I give myself credit for dealing with. I'm getting ready to graduate - I AM leaving something that has been precious to me for the past 4 years. And right now, my future is unknown. That's stressful! I've always known what I've wanted, I've always been able to make it happen, and I've usually been able to make it happen early. What's up with this waiting game?

So with the acknowledgment that my life is stressful right now, I started to feel a little better. That and a trip to the grocery to get ice cream (Edy's was on sale after all!!!) and plans to see High School Musical 3 with Danielle all started to make me feel a little better.

Then I got an e-mail. It told me that the decision about my application to Duke was available online. I was practically shaking. But somehow I got myself in - logged in to my application and in to the MAT program!!!

Talk about a "total eclipse of the heart." I went from being Debbie Downer to "Surpriiiiiiiiiiise Sue." I was thrilled! (That sounds pathetic - "thrilled" doesn't even begin to describe how excited I was. Maybe the SNL video will enlighten you...and give you a good laugh:
http://www.hulu.com/watch/16388/saturday-night-live-surprise-party)

So now I'm waiting to hear back about financial aid. I'm really desperate for this Durham Teaching Fellowship to come through.

So that's one eclipse.

The other is that I've been coyly pushed towards a certain boy who attends my church. I've been told others have detected a "micro spark" of interest from him. Well, I'm only hoping he can detect a "micro spark" of interest back from me.

I wish there was a way for girls to respectfully pursue shy guys. I want to make myself available, to let him know that I want to get to know him - really. I'd love to have a conversation that goes beyond quoting YouTube videos (as great as those are).

So the eclipse here is from several posts ago (All You Need is Love) and my interest in another guy who didn't even show so much as a "micro spark" of interest in me, to an interest in this guy who is respectful, admirable, kind, sincere, and just a little shy.