The song "Wanting Memories" was sung by the treble chorus with some of the male students at GSW at their last concert, and again at the closing convocation. It had all the students in tears then, and it put me into tears later. It took me awhile to process leaving on that Saturday, but I finally broke down. It's profound to think that you can become so attached to a place after such a (relatively) short time. And the people. Well....I went from 32 high school chicas in a building to me in my house with the cat. You can do the math. And for every living being that I lost, that's how much energy drained out of me.
I was just looking over my blog and remembering the crazy dream I had where I cussed people out telling them to get out of the dorm. I had another similar dream last night. There were guys in the basement of my dorm - they weren't supposed to be there. I kindly overlooked that Honor Code violation for the 30+ guys, but they wouldn't get out! I was just gonna let them go if they'd only get home for curfew, but they just SAT THERE! I was livid. I screamed over and over again at the top of my lungs. I woke up very angry for the second time in as many weeks. What is it about this job that stressed me out so much that I'm STILL having nightmares? Well, if you've ever done it, and done it well, you might be able to answer that. Nevertheless, I'm still on the warpath - prepared to kick people out of places and confiscate phones whenever necessary.
In the meantime, I'm playing mother to my kid brother trying to get him to pack, clean and go to bed in time to get to work by 6:00. I don't know what I'm gonna feed him for lunch, but that's the deal-io.
I'm nervous about the coming school year, about RUF plans, about integrating the new piccolos well, and about balancing class with all my other responsibilities.
But for the next week and a half, it's all family all the time. I'm looking forward to that at least. :)
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Who Are You? (The Who)
I really have songs from On the Town stuck in my head, but they don't make for a very good post title. Especially since they're completely unrelated. But they're catchy. It's a thoroughly cheesy musical, but that's why I love it. Ask to watch sometime if you love me too.
I chose this blog title because it is a Governor's School-type question, and that is what this blog is about - questions.
Okay, so what I was really thinking about is Area III. Have I explained all this yet? (I just glanced back through my blog and realized I haven't written any of this. So here goes...) So the classes that I'm actually working with this summer are Area III, which is not a class that anyone has heard of unless they have some connection with the NC Governor's School (or perhaps some other GS). Basically, this class seeks to make connections between the concepts students are learning in their subject areas and apply them to personal experience. It's been described as a group counseling class. It's characterized as being a bit touchy-feely. It's probably most like to make a student cry. My Area III experience at GS was profound. I spent a really long time listening to people argue issues that obviously related to faith. And I disagreed with a lot of them. But my instructor tabled the faith aspect of the conversation until one special day. The topic was faith. I had my parents praying for me, my Bible in tow, and I took off for class. There were two other kids in the class who showed up with their Bibles, and we all sat in a row. My instructor came in and told us that it was a little intimidating to see us all with the Bibles on our desks. We started with some ground rules for the conversation. One kid expressed the desire that the conversation wouldn't get too heated. I told him that I had to take this conversation seriously, that my faith determines the way I live my life - it's not to be taken lightly. So he got up and walked out. (We had a standing rule that you could leave if you were uncomfortable in a conversation.) I was a little embarrassed, but better that he walk out than be frustrated all class, because I wasn't going to take the conversation lightly.
Bracing myself for the debate of my life, my instructor told us what we'd be doing. We basically did a round robin - we took turns going around the circle expressing what faith is to us. What we believe, what it entails, and how it plays a part in our lives.
I was a little frustrated by this. I wanted my turn in the spot light to be longer than 3 minutes. I wanted people to realize that I had the Truth. I wanted to convert! But I had to sit there and listen to other people's beliefs.
In hindsight, this was a profound experience. I realized that I needed to hear where other people were coming from. There are times when everyone needs to have a say. I really needed that class, for reasons I didn't come to realize until years later.
This brings me to today. I'm actually teaching some of these classes now. I'm trying to put into practice some of the things I learned when I was a student. And I'm still learning now that I'm observing all these classes. (That's what I do when I don't teach - I just go sit in on other classes.)
I've gotten to the point where I think I'd like to come back and teach Area III. When I graduate and get through grad school to the point where my schedule allows, then I'd like to come back as an instructor. I think I should be able to swing that. I hope so, anyway.
And as I thought about how much Area III has meant to me this summer, I realized that it's challenging me to do something I have struggled with all my life: ask questions. The most challenging part of leading a class, for me, is the debrief. What questions do you ask that guide students to a meaningful application of an activity? How do you phrase things in such a way that the answer is not obvious, that the questions are not leading, and so that it fosters student discussion? I'm practicing asking questions. And it's freakin' hard! I have NEVER been good at asking questions. I think this is something that I've been learning from friends since I got to UNC. And I'm learning it even more this summer. And I look forward to practicing more in the future. Cause I still feel like, unless I've thought through the conversation a good deal, my questions pretty much suck. I really struggle to drive the conversation to that deeper point of thought, unless I've been there before.
But I'm so glad to realize that I'm growing as a person, in one of my most basic weaknesses. How gratifying!
I chose this blog title because it is a Governor's School-type question, and that is what this blog is about - questions.
Okay, so what I was really thinking about is Area III. Have I explained all this yet? (I just glanced back through my blog and realized I haven't written any of this. So here goes...) So the classes that I'm actually working with this summer are Area III, which is not a class that anyone has heard of unless they have some connection with the NC Governor's School (or perhaps some other GS). Basically, this class seeks to make connections between the concepts students are learning in their subject areas and apply them to personal experience. It's been described as a group counseling class. It's characterized as being a bit touchy-feely. It's probably most like to make a student cry. My Area III experience at GS was profound. I spent a really long time listening to people argue issues that obviously related to faith. And I disagreed with a lot of them. But my instructor tabled the faith aspect of the conversation until one special day. The topic was faith. I had my parents praying for me, my Bible in tow, and I took off for class. There were two other kids in the class who showed up with their Bibles, and we all sat in a row. My instructor came in and told us that it was a little intimidating to see us all with the Bibles on our desks. We started with some ground rules for the conversation. One kid expressed the desire that the conversation wouldn't get too heated. I told him that I had to take this conversation seriously, that my faith determines the way I live my life - it's not to be taken lightly. So he got up and walked out. (We had a standing rule that you could leave if you were uncomfortable in a conversation.) I was a little embarrassed, but better that he walk out than be frustrated all class, because I wasn't going to take the conversation lightly.
Bracing myself for the debate of my life, my instructor told us what we'd be doing. We basically did a round robin - we took turns going around the circle expressing what faith is to us. What we believe, what it entails, and how it plays a part in our lives.
I was a little frustrated by this. I wanted my turn in the spot light to be longer than 3 minutes. I wanted people to realize that I had the Truth. I wanted to convert! But I had to sit there and listen to other people's beliefs.
In hindsight, this was a profound experience. I realized that I needed to hear where other people were coming from. There are times when everyone needs to have a say. I really needed that class, for reasons I didn't come to realize until years later.
This brings me to today. I'm actually teaching some of these classes now. I'm trying to put into practice some of the things I learned when I was a student. And I'm still learning now that I'm observing all these classes. (That's what I do when I don't teach - I just go sit in on other classes.)
I've gotten to the point where I think I'd like to come back and teach Area III. When I graduate and get through grad school to the point where my schedule allows, then I'd like to come back as an instructor. I think I should be able to swing that. I hope so, anyway.
And as I thought about how much Area III has meant to me this summer, I realized that it's challenging me to do something I have struggled with all my life: ask questions. The most challenging part of leading a class, for me, is the debrief. What questions do you ask that guide students to a meaningful application of an activity? How do you phrase things in such a way that the answer is not obvious, that the questions are not leading, and so that it fosters student discussion? I'm practicing asking questions. And it's freakin' hard! I have NEVER been good at asking questions. I think this is something that I've been learning from friends since I got to UNC. And I'm learning it even more this summer. And I look forward to practicing more in the future. Cause I still feel like, unless I've thought through the conversation a good deal, my questions pretty much suck. I really struggle to drive the conversation to that deeper point of thought, unless I've been there before.
But I'm so glad to realize that I'm growing as a person, in one of my most basic weaknesses. How gratifying!
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Pink Elephants (Dumbo)
Okay, so "Pink Elephants on Parade" is the only nightmare-ish song I could think of on short notice. I wanna get this down while I still remember it.
I dreamed last night (I got on a boat to heaven......no) that the girls on my hall went WILD.
So in real life, it was past 12:30. I didn't feel like getting up and going to all the rooms and checking to make sure everyone was in their respective room and heading to bed. So at 12:50, I simply told the girls who were sitting on the hall talking, claiming that they weren't tired, that they could stay up quietly. That I didn't care.
Then in my dream, I got up in the middle of the night to loud music, walked out onto the hall and it was a MESS. There was beer, music, boys, people I didn't recognize, even parents. All these people who didn't belong on the hall were in the dorm! So I went through room by room trying to get them out. I just screamed the whole time. "WHAT THE F*** ARE YOU DOING HERE?! YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE!!! GET THE F*** OUT!" I don't know why, but I felt it necessary to convey just how mad I was by using the f-bomb, repeatedly.
But that was ineffective - there were too many of them! So I called for back up. I called the campus public safety, but they were nowhere to be found! I couldn't believe it, but the public safety folks weren't answering their phones! So I was left to my own devices. I just gathered everyone downstairs (which became I building I didn't recognize) and told them all to "get the f*** out." Most of them didn't listen.
But this process must have taken hours, because that's about when I woke up.
So I don't know if this was just me being stressed out, or the melatonin (which I read can cause nightmares). But I didn't take any melatonin last night because I wanted to be a little awake in case someone called me to take them to the hospital. (It was my night on duty.)
So that's it. I've never cussed so much in my life as I did in that dream.
Weird....
I dreamed last night (I got on a boat to heaven......no) that the girls on my hall went WILD.
So in real life, it was past 12:30. I didn't feel like getting up and going to all the rooms and checking to make sure everyone was in their respective room and heading to bed. So at 12:50, I simply told the girls who were sitting on the hall talking, claiming that they weren't tired, that they could stay up quietly. That I didn't care.
Then in my dream, I got up in the middle of the night to loud music, walked out onto the hall and it was a MESS. There was beer, music, boys, people I didn't recognize, even parents. All these people who didn't belong on the hall were in the dorm! So I went through room by room trying to get them out. I just screamed the whole time. "WHAT THE F*** ARE YOU DOING HERE?! YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE!!! GET THE F*** OUT!" I don't know why, but I felt it necessary to convey just how mad I was by using the f-bomb, repeatedly.
But that was ineffective - there were too many of them! So I called for back up. I called the campus public safety, but they were nowhere to be found! I couldn't believe it, but the public safety folks weren't answering their phones! So I was left to my own devices. I just gathered everyone downstairs (which became I building I didn't recognize) and told them all to "get the f*** out." Most of them didn't listen.
But this process must have taken hours, because that's about when I woke up.
So I don't know if this was just me being stressed out, or the melatonin (which I read can cause nightmares). But I didn't take any melatonin last night because I wanted to be a little awake in case someone called me to take them to the hospital. (It was my night on duty.)
So that's it. I've never cussed so much in my life as I did in that dream.
Weird....
Friday, July 11, 2008
Love is Only Love (Hello Dolly)
So have I mentioned that this is my new favorite love song? It's completely contrary to all the sappy and sentimental crap that the entertainment media feeds us about falling in love. Just take a look at these lyrics.
I think love is hard. I think loving your family, your friends, and (I expect) your spouse is the hardest thing to do in the world. Cause what does that really look like? There's no magic formula, there's no DIY book that'll teach everyone how to love everyone else perfectly. We have the Bible, but the instructions found in that book are in a constant battle with our own sinful nature (unfortunately).
Okay, this is not actually the purpose of my post.
I've been obsessing about a boy. It's kind of pathetic, but it's true. For the past 8 months or so, I have thought considerably about one particular man God has brought into my life. Unfortunately, there's no indication that he spends a reciprocal amount of time thinking about me. But let me explain the immediacy of this post.
Brad and I talked considerably on our trips home and back from our Governor's School break. One of the topics we covered is relationship, and intimacy within relationships that can be feigned via the internet. The level of technology today allows us to keep in touch with each other - to have communication at a moment's notice. It also gives us an out. It allows us to get to know each other without having to have a conversation. You can read somebody's blog (as you're reading mine now) and know their thoughts and feelings without actually expressing your interest to them (interest/investment/some level of attention given to them - it's not perceived by the one who is receiving the attention - right?). So by reading someone's online posts, I've gotten to know them in a way that our conversations have not allowed. Not because we never talk, but because there's additional information available online. Brad had a similar experience - knowing someone "intimately" without actually spending the face time with them.
This leads to some complications. Because the feelings that I had have been indulged as I spend time thinking about and getting to know this person, but like I said, there's no return on the investment as of yet.
That said, can I just tell you what a great guy he is? There's a TAC here at GS that my girls wanted me to get together with (awkward sentence ending in a preposition...). He's a nice guy, don't get me wrong. And I wondered before I got here if "Summer Lovin'" could be a reality. But the more time I spend with him, the more I know that I just want to be his friend.
Because there's this other person in the back of my mind. I think it's a bit unhealthy, but I can map out aspects of our life together. (Yeah, definitely unhealthy.) I want to do my year of MAT, teach my 4 years for TF, then stop working and have a family. I want to have kids, but also adopt them (if financially possible). I want to do short term missions work during the summers. And I want our family vacations to consist of camping and historical landmarks rather than roller coasters and beach bungalows. This is a person who believes the same theology, has the same educational experience, and who I can envision wanting the same thing out of a family and a life together.
Of course, this is all speculation and projection.
So I would say that I'm stuck in a rut. I am very interested in this person, but spend little to no "friend" time with them. But I have yet to find anyone else who matches up to his standard. We're talking total respect, admiration, and (as Milton would say) esteem for this guy. I wondered for awhile if that was all I felt for him. But my vision of the two of us as a couple is so perfect that I think it really is a crush.
So while I stalk him on Facebook, I realize that I care for this person and want to develop my relationship with him more. Not because there are fireworks or violins, but because it fits. It just makes sense. Because (not that I love this person right now, but) love is only love.
Just leave ev'rything to meLove is wonderful enough. I really love that line (sorry to be repetitive...). Because that's what it should be - not these complicated stories about how hard it is for two people to be together, or how two people are just meant for each other and they beat all the odds and live is bliss.
Though it wont be like the first time
How can it be like the first time?
But Why does it have to be?
Don't look for shooting stars
For love is only love
You touch and still you touch the proud
Don't listen for those bells
For love is only love
And if it's love you've found
Your heart won't hear a sound
And you hold his hand
You only hold his hand
The violins are all a bluff
But if you're really wise
The silence of his eyes
Will tell you
Love is only love
And it's wonderful enough
Without the shooting star
Without the sounds of bells
Without the violins
Love is wonderful enough!
I think love is hard. I think loving your family, your friends, and (I expect) your spouse is the hardest thing to do in the world. Cause what does that really look like? There's no magic formula, there's no DIY book that'll teach everyone how to love everyone else perfectly. We have the Bible, but the instructions found in that book are in a constant battle with our own sinful nature (unfortunately).
Okay, this is not actually the purpose of my post.
I've been obsessing about a boy. It's kind of pathetic, but it's true. For the past 8 months or so, I have thought considerably about one particular man God has brought into my life. Unfortunately, there's no indication that he spends a reciprocal amount of time thinking about me. But let me explain the immediacy of this post.
Brad and I talked considerably on our trips home and back from our Governor's School break. One of the topics we covered is relationship, and intimacy within relationships that can be feigned via the internet. The level of technology today allows us to keep in touch with each other - to have communication at a moment's notice. It also gives us an out. It allows us to get to know each other without having to have a conversation. You can read somebody's blog (as you're reading mine now) and know their thoughts and feelings without actually expressing your interest to them (interest/investment/some level of attention given to them - it's not perceived by the one who is receiving the attention - right?). So by reading someone's online posts, I've gotten to know them in a way that our conversations have not allowed. Not because we never talk, but because there's additional information available online. Brad had a similar experience - knowing someone "intimately" without actually spending the face time with them.
This leads to some complications. Because the feelings that I had have been indulged as I spend time thinking about and getting to know this person, but like I said, there's no return on the investment as of yet.
That said, can I just tell you what a great guy he is? There's a TAC here at GS that my girls wanted me to get together with (awkward sentence ending in a preposition...). He's a nice guy, don't get me wrong. And I wondered before I got here if "Summer Lovin'" could be a reality. But the more time I spend with him, the more I know that I just want to be his friend.
Because there's this other person in the back of my mind. I think it's a bit unhealthy, but I can map out aspects of our life together. (Yeah, definitely unhealthy.) I want to do my year of MAT, teach my 4 years for TF, then stop working and have a family. I want to have kids, but also adopt them (if financially possible). I want to do short term missions work during the summers. And I want our family vacations to consist of camping and historical landmarks rather than roller coasters and beach bungalows. This is a person who believes the same theology, has the same educational experience, and who I can envision wanting the same thing out of a family and a life together.
Of course, this is all speculation and projection.
So I would say that I'm stuck in a rut. I am very interested in this person, but spend little to no "friend" time with them. But I have yet to find anyone else who matches up to his standard. We're talking total respect, admiration, and (as Milton would say) esteem for this guy. I wondered for awhile if that was all I felt for him. But my vision of the two of us as a couple is so perfect that I think it really is a crush.
So while I stalk him on Facebook, I realize that I care for this person and want to develop my relationship with him more. Not because there are fireworks or violins, but because it fits. It just makes sense. Because (not that I love this person right now, but) love is only love.
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