I spent most of high school believing that I knew what was up. That all my friends who partied, got drunk, had sex, etc, were just setting themselves up for failure and misery. My theological training told me that those things couldn't bring happiness.
But a lasting relationship. Finding the right boy. My Prince Charming, be he named Phillip or Eric or whatever else... My life was gonna be different from all of theirs.
And it was.
I didn't really have any friends my own age. People that I talked to at school, sure. People who I hung out with and "made memories" with. But it's funny...I don't remember most of those. But now, compared to the friends I have at UNC, I know that I just didn't have any friends in high school.
So now a friend from high school is getting married. Not the first from my graduating class, but she's engaged the nevertheless. And I realize that she got her stuff together. She really made some changes when she came to college and has found joy in a life blessed by God, not muddled by the "hip lifestyle" (which is not at all a "cool" term for today, but it's what I'm going to use). And it's worked out for her. She got her Prince Charming.
And so I'm thrown yet again into the "woe is me, the single chick." It's like AJ said freshman year, "Everybody wants to be my friend, I'm the funny guy. But nobody's interested..." That's how I feel.
I finally am truly interested in someone (I started wearing make-up and dressing nicer - presenting myself well, I could say), really feeling prepared to pursue a relationship, if he were only interested...
Why can't I appreciate being everybody's friend? Why is it so dang hard to be content with the blessings God gives us?
Because we're selfish. Because we're prideful. Because we don't seek God's presence, we seek the praise and acclaim of men.
In my current state, I am a brute beast, driven by my fleshly desires for physical and emotional closeness, rather than (what should be) my spiritual desires. [I'm even mood-eating - but thankfully I chose cheese and crackers over cookie dough...a step in the right direction?] I need to pray for verse 28 to be true for me now:
But as for me, it is good to be near God.
I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge;
I will tell of all your deeds.
Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him
How I've proved Him o'er and o'er.
Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus,
O for grace to trust Him more.
